I’m allergic to fragrances and my secret santa gave me this.
A man goes to join an order of monks.
A man goes to join an order of monks. The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?". "Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but fucking complain since you got here."
If a person overdoeses on Viagra
Do they die hard?
How come none of the animals on the ark could play cards?
Because Noah was standing on the deck Credit to my dad who said this 2 seconds ago
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection…
The judge asks, “First offender?” The wife replies, “No, first a Gibson, then a Fender.”
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A preacher’s wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher…
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher. "You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies. Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian." "No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham – The Damn Ham." "Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!" Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives. "Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?" "The Damn Ham," she tells him. "What has gotten into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house." "No, dear, that's the name of this ham – The Damn Ham," she explains. "Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!" After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?" One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the fucking peas!"
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
This guy is sitting in a bar when this beautiful super model walks in.
So after a few minutes, the guy walks over to her. He leans in and whispers in her ear " Hey can I smell your pussy?" The girl is irate, and she screams at him "What is wrong with you?! That's disgusting! How could you say that?!! NO! You cannot smell my pussy!!!" and the guy says " oh, well I guess it's your feet."
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!
So Tekashi69 could face life in prison
Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
Therapists only care about one thing
And it’s fu*king discussing
What does 6.9 mean?
Just another good thing ruined by period.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
A blind man walks into a bar
And a chair. And a table.
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
Jedi’s make lousy spouses
They always threaten to use divorce.
Grandma took my weed so I took her wheelchair.
Neither of us is rolling.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
No text found
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
Firefighters are worth their weight in gold.
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
All the comic books I inherited from my brother have their last page ripped off.
I have to draw my own conclusions.
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.