I’m almost insulted
Corona isn’t Trump’s fault. Ebola wasn’t Obama’s. SARS wasn’t Bush’s…
…and only a handful of cases of herpes was Clinton's.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
Welcome to invisibility class.
I’m pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous!
I see a few new faces here, and i am very disappointed.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party
That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
I heard Apple is developing a new car
But they were having trouble installing windows.
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
If you think climate change is bad now wait until our aerosol hairspray usage goes up 5000%
https://ift.tt/2Qaa2Qp
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture
They're all back stabbers
My brother got fired from the mortuary for kissing the dead on the throat.
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
Research found chewing of garlic cloves daily helps prevent Wuhan virus.
People around you will socially distance from you automatically.
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
My wife just complained I wasn’t listening and walked out of the room
Weird way to start a conversation.
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
I sat my son down and said, “Look son, in life if you act like a pussy then you’ll never get any pussy”
My wife said, “Matthew, how dare you use that language in front of him?” I said, “Sorry dear, it won’t happen again” My son said, “I see what you mean Dad.”
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi. EDIT: Wow this blew up
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
"My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."
I hate those annoying Russian Dolls…
They're so full of themselves…
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
If one person has to go to the bathroom, they have to pee
If two or more people have to go to the bathroom, they have to queue
Therapist: It seems like you have an acute phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say that I do. Therapist: Exactly. That’s the main one.
Coronavirus cases in North Korea update:
8:00: 1 8:10: 0 9:23: 1 9:28: 0 0:13: 1 0:20 0 1:47: 1 1:55: 0
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.
The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on" On Monday, the judge asks the first guy: "How did you do over the weekend?" Guy 1: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever" Judge: "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " Guy 1: "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this; O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" Guy 2: "Well, your honor, I persuaded 350 young guys to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "350 people! How did you manage to do that?" Guy 2: "Well, I used a similar diagram, I drew two circles like this; o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your arsehole before prison………….."
I went to the shop and bought a thesaurus but when I got home, when I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I had no words to describe how angry I was.