I’m coming
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The laborer looks at the construction worker and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''
I feel awful because I scolded my son after he gave me my 50th birthday card
But part of me feels justified because one would have been enough
As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card..
He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said "You know, one would have been enough."
A recent study found out how much sleep a normal teenager needs.
Just five more minutes.
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
As much as you might move around an envelope
It'll always be stationery.
Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?
Never mind, you won’t get it.
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.
At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?" "Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
How do you make 7 even?
By removing the S.
Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?
Elf-is Presley.
My friend Jay had twin daughters, and decided to name them after him.
They are named Kay and Elle.
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
How does the moon cut his hair.
Eclipse it
I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm
If you can’t come, let me know
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
For the past three weeks, I’ve been jogging a mile a day
Now I don't know where I am.
3 years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since
How do you milk a sheep?
Put an apple logo on your product.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Yo mama so fat
Before she was buried the earth was flat
Why was the borrowed money happy to be returned?
Because it wasn’t a loan anymore.
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's." Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?
Vitamin see!
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I’ve always wanted to swim in a ocean of soda.
It's my fanta-sea
What does a deaf gynecologist do?
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter