I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
I hate that SEPTember, OCTober, NOVember, and DECember aren’t the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th months……
Whoever fucked this up should be stabbed! Edit: Thank you everyone for the awards!
My wife asked me if I thought our kids were spoiled
I said "No, I think all kids smell like that"
Doctor, Doctor! I’m terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
That’s why she is so good at video games…
https://ift.tt/2TKU5D7
According to a survey, 80% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
A warning to people with kidney disease.
Urine trouble.
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer.
I have a Czech one, too. One too.
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persisted and asked to see the manager. The boy said he'd ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.' As he finished his sentence, he turned to suddenly find the man standing right behind him, so quickly he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.' The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?' ‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied. 'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked. The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.' ‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.' ‘No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas
Me: sipping toast why?
Why was the teacher cross eyed?
Because she couldn’t control her pupils.
It’s possibly not safe to drive my car right now.
But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11…
It was just a spare, I guess…
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
My dyslexia teacher stole my Volkswagen Golf.
What a stupid old gti.
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
No text found
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
Why did the outlaw minstrel get dumped by his girlfriend?
All he ever wanted to talk about was his lute.
What is it called when two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy?
An Oopsie-daisy!
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
What do you call an unvaccinated Italian?
Marco Polio
You should never date someone with a lazy eye
They might be seeing someone on the side
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
Is there fall damage? Let’s find out.
Is there fall damage? Let’s find out.
Dong. Ding Dong.
James Bond's doorbell