I’m crying 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭😭
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But I’m thinking of giving it a shot.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep.
That will give you a reason to get up in the morning.
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
I absolutely support any scientist who is trying to create a complete invisibility cloak.
I just want to make myself clear.
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
![Who’s Erin fantasizing about? (Answer: Someone who makes memes without [badly] using Microsoft Paint)](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/wf8fuez6ghk51-400x472.png)
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
Think you’re having a bad day? At least you’re not this guy texting his boss…
https://ift.tt/2wG4vKf
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
A blonde woman visits her husband in prison Before leaving, she tells a correction officer: “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that. He’s exhausted!” officer laughs, saying: Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his cell!”
"Bullshit! He just told me he is been digging a tunnel for months!"
A man with two buckets of fish was leaving a lake well known for its fishing and was stopped by a game warden.
The warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish." "Pet fish?!" the warden replied. "Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to this lake and let them swim around for about a half-hour, When I whistle, they all come back, jump back into my buckets, and I take 'em home. We do this every night." "That's a bunch of hooey," said the warden. "Fish can't do that!" "No, really! says the man. "Here, I'll show you." And he releases the fish in the water. "Well, I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied. The man and the warden stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" the man asked. "When are you going to call them back?" the game warden huffs. "Call who back?" the man asked. "The FISH." "What fish?"
How much do dead batteries cost?
Nothing, they’re free of charge.
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
What concert cost 45¢
50¢ ft. Nickelback.
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
How did glue win the marathon?
He paste himself.
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
Facebook is set to release its own webmail client…
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday
Apparently you’re not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say “get a load of this guy” every time someone walks in.
I thought my TV broke…
I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when all of a sudden my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws.
Two antennae got married
The ceremony was alright but the reception was EXCELLENT!
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
What do Mormons play instead of “Fuck, Marry, Kill”?
Marry, Marry, Marry
Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth?
They became transparent.
