I’m crying
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
I went to a restaurant and the waiter sat me down and asked if I’d like to see a dessert menu.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up…
He should have hired her!
If “womb” is pronounced “woom”, “tomb” is pronounced “toom” then shouldn’t “bomb” be pronounced
"BOOM" I hope that blew your minds
Have you ever been to a corn field in the middle of the night
And felt like you were being STALKED It can feel very EARY Sorry about this pun being too CORNY The joke must really SHUCK
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
What’s the first book in the video game bible?
Sega Genesis.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
If you thought this year was strange, I’ve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
How did we know communism was doomed from the beginning?
All the red flags.
A woman brought a very limp duck to Dr.Santa, a veterinary surgeon.
As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied Dr.Santa. “How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Dr.Santa turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150!” she cried, “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $10, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”
A lumberjack was being cross-examined during a murder trial.
The defense lawyer, trying to discredit the lumberjack as a witness, asked him: "Is it true you were working at night? How can you be sure that it was a pine tree that fell on the victim?" The lumberjack replied confidently: "I know what I saw."
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual.
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
Imm so good at sleeping
I can do it with my eyes closed
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Shout out to my GPS
I don't know where I'd be without it