I’m crying y’all
The janitor of my apartment building asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with her
I told her no. I can't stand high maintenance women.
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
Why aren’t porcupines allowed to become bartenders?
They always spike the drinks.
Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family. The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
“How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, 'Ribbit, ribbit' and a horny toad says, 'Rub it, rub it.'"
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be £199."
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
Whenever I go to bed I imagine I’m a cop
I go under cover.
My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!
Never knew he was a barber
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
Who really cares if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It's not the end of the world
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxicabs
Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
There was once a man who read no books
He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Curious about his, he told another one of his friends that he had read it. Just like that, BAM! He now had half the friends that he used to have. He went around telling people, until no one knew him except for the guy who had recommended him the book. In tears, he asked him what had happened. His friend replied, "oh, didn't I tell you?" "Tell me what?" "People who use "read it" have no friends."
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
An old man sought out a doctor for a sperm count…
The doctor gave him a sample pot and said: "Take this and bring it back tomorrow with a sperm sample." The following day, the old man returned and gave the pot back to the doctor. It was empty as the day before. Confused, the doctor asked what happened. The old man explained: "You see, doc, this is how it went: first, I tried with my right hand and nothing. Then, I tried with my left hand, still nothing. So I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with her left one, but nothing. Next she tried with her mouth – first with her teeth, then without them, and nothing. We even called our neighbor and she also tried. First with both hands, then with her armpit and lastly, squeezing it between her knees, but nothing." The doctor was shocked: "You asked your neighbor for help?!" "Yes, doc. But neither of us could open the damn pot."
My kid just told me she’s scared of Santa.
She’s Claustrophobic
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
There are two reasons you shouldn’t drink toilet water
Number one, and number two
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Saw a great movie last night about databases.
Can't wait for the SQL.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
When I am on my death bed surrounded by my friends and family my final words will be
"You guys want to see a dead body?"
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.