But it was his dumb asphalt
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About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!
All it was doing was collecting dust.
But then it grew on me.
He’s standing right behind you.
you get them VERY ANGRY
The man replied, "And can I have two weeks off if I want three?"
There were so many red flags.
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
It’s just a curd to me.
Turns out I came early.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
My response; "guess it didn't work out."
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath." "I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup." "No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
It gets toad.
Looks like reindeer!!
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
Joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea Mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
I woke up this morning and saw a bird of prey in my backyard eating avocado toast and yelling “Ok Boomer!”
It was a millennial falcon.
He takes the art out of rap artist
I told her it's just a plant
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to me…
Dear dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back… Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, dad
Because he was used to nazi-ing.
And lowers it.