I’m currently learning about Antibiotic resistance through youtube videos
Most people are shocked when they find out
how bad an electrician I am.
LOL wife bad kids bad pet bad technology bad this one has got it all!
Lab safety first kids!
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
He truly is the most vile, hateful president ever.
Irony is dead of a self inflicted gunshot wound
I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
Why would you put this on a card?
Responding to Trump’s latest Twitirade
Turns out this is hell!
I love raising caterpillars as pets.
It always gives me butterflies.
Big brain time
I want to try this
When you tell your friend to copy the code but change the variables
I can relate..
Election Day Is Coming, Folks…
look how they massacred my boy
One day, Billy saw Mom jumping on Dad in bed.
During breakfast the next morning, Billy asks Mom "Why do you jump on Daddy before going to bed every night?". The Mom, looking over at Dad with a embarrased expression, says "Well, your Daddy gets very fat every night eating dinner, so I have to jump on him to get his stomach flat.". The Son says "Oh, well, that won't work.." said the Son. The Mom, now curious, asks why not, and the son say "Well, as soon as you fall asleep, Ms.Dollip (Their neighbor) comes in and blows him back up again."
Well yes but actually no
Life of a Programmer!
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Who cares about a few crashes here and there, right?
Why would they ask in the first place
I’m sick of people banging on my door and asking my if I have found Jesus
It wasn't my turn to watch him, and to be frank, if you didn't want to lose him you should have used bigger nails.
Emojis, millennials, stick shift, and cursive? Check, check, check and check.
Salary you little buffoon
I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.
Seriously, what is the world cumming to?
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Extra ketchup pls
F for Bubby
Alanis Morrisette ironic
I’m learning electrochemistry rn
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
Told my PC gamer friend that I bought a home for my rodent.
He should see my new mouse pad.
Trump supporters never cease to amaze me
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you, I have contacts
What did it cost? Everything.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
….but his brother Frank was a monster…
They are both 13!
You know what I hate about cliffhangers?
Find out next week on r/jokes
I asked my dad how can i satisfy a girl with a small dick.
He told me to give her a handjob.
Why is an island like the letter T?
because it’s in the middle of water
I hate my wife
Pass it on
What do you call a pit full of donkeys?
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
Finding for the actual answer
Not that facts matter to them, but they do.
My feelings in university, I’m not good at C
Anal sex is like getting your first crappy and old bike
You don’t want it but your dad is going to give it you anyway
It’s so easy too
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
Video games bad. Kids lazy.
How do you cut an ocean in two?
with a sea-saw
A blind man walks into a bar
And a chair. And a table.
Hahah so funny
The future is now mom
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
They ask me if it’s pronounced “NEE-a-list” or “NIGH-a-list.”
I tell them it doesn't really matter.
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
At least he’s in heaven, right?
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.