I’m debating whether to write “YES” on my left hand and “NO” on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
What do you call someone who does a BA in Arts, a MA in English and a PhD in Gender Studies?
A well educated Barista
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
My wife is a body builder.
Yep, she’s pregnant.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexia Association
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
The invention of the shovel
Was groundbreaking
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
they say a watermelon is 99% water
but it's literally 50%
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Dear Microsoft:
If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna"or "I just Banged Rihanna."
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
What’s blue and doesn’t weigh very much?
Light Blue
My friend fell in an Egyptian river last week, but swears he didn’t.
He was in De Nile
I was telling my friend there’s only one thing I get really scared of at Halloween.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
I broke my finger today
But on the other hand im fine
I started a company…
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
What do you get from a pampered Cow?
Spoiled milk.
I never say the N-word in my house. Even when Im alone.
Just in case a black person is breaking in. I wouldn’t want to offend them.
I have some jokes about unemployed people, but I can’t tell them to you
None of them work
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!
I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh
Nothing, it's on the house Edit: found out I accidentally reposted. Sorry people but happy holidays
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 dead
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
Wanted: man has been stealing tires off police cars.
Authorities have been working tirelessly to catch him.
Hey, Flatearther, wanna play basketball?
tosses him a frisbee
Why do Uber drivers skip the gym ?
Because they don't even Lyft
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.
The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees. “How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work properly. “Hmm, it looks okay,” says the server, and starts the chainsaw. The man jumps back in shock and cries, “What’s that noise?”