I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
Knock, knock
shouting thru door “Just leave it outside, Thank you!” (2020 update)
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
3 weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since.
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
What is the happiest number?
4. Euphoria.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
I had one of the first computers that could talk….
But this one day the computer wouldn't stop talking, so I got a Zip drive.
The janitor in my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with a high maintenance woman.
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
What do you call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
Why did the slave go to college?
So he could pickup his Master’s degree…
Did you hear about the antenna that got married?
The ceremony wasnt much but the reception was amazing!
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
Seriously, this game was beaten by a 19 yo furry, Pokémon’s with second amendement right and the sweet taste of liber-tea.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
My wife said to me “you didn’t hear a word I said did you?”
I thought to myself. That's a funny way to start a conversation.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
No text found
“I have a split personality,” said Tom, being frank.
No text found
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich…
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!'' "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly. The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?" The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
After a long argument with my boss, I quit my job at the helium factory.
I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them “Scraps”. They started crying. Spoiled brats, it’s really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.
And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.
I don’t like the word xenophobia.
It sounds so foreign.
I just saw a documentary on beavers.
Best dam show I've ever seen.
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
The Mailman
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.
He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
I was having sex with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
Made pot brownies with laxitives
Just for shits and giggles
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
100 years ago, a poor Polish immigrant was begging for money in New York city
Suddenly, a stranger appears and starts to talk with her. Stranger: What is your name, sad lady Lady: My name is Edit, I am the daughter of Solomon and Alta. I am asking for help because I have nothing to eat Stranger: I just won this golden coin in a game of poker. I feel guilty for keeping something earned so dishonestly. Looks like you could have better use for it. Edit: Wow, thanks for the gold, kind stranger!
I had to put my foot down today.
My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo
What is Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?
HAANNDD EEYYEEEEEEEEEEE
Downloaded a pirated copy of the Bohemian Rhapsody. Quality is really bad though. Low res. Dark. Blurry.
I see a little silhouetto of a man.
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.