I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
Why can’t you give credit to elbow for bending the arm?
Because it's a Joint effort
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
The western world
A copypasta
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
Calculate your next travel destination for 2020. Guaranteed to be 100% accurate
https://ift.tt/2Y6EHCK
What do you call a bisexual person who is single?
They are on standbi
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight. 18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that. Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
For those who suffer from paranoia, please remember you’re not alone.
They’re always watching.
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
I’ve already heard like seven cancer puns today…
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
All countries will get the corona virus eventually…
China just got it right off the bat…
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
I like my women like I like my coffee,
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
its a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
What did the bald dad say after receiving a comb for Christmas?
I will never part with this.
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?” “You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there. The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right. Edit thanks for the silver u/WindyDizzel
To anyone suffering from paranoia…
You are not alone
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
Luke, I am your motherfu*ker.
What happins if you can’t pee?
Urine trouble
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
‘NSFW’ A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.
So a worker asks the owner: -What should we do? -Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks. So the worker goes to Jimmy: -Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks? -With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you cut it from my salary?
Recess and cookies
An elementary teacher asks her students what they did during recess. Teacher: Johnny what did you do doing recess? Johnny: I played in the sandbox. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "sand" on the board, you get a cookie. Johnny writes "sand" and gets his cookie. Teacher: Alright Suzie, what did you do? Suzie: I played in the sandbox with Johnny. Teacher: Okay, if you can write the word "box" on the board, you get a cookie. Suzie writes "box" and gets her cookie. Teacher: Jamal, what did you do? Jamal: Well, I tried to play with Johnny and Suzie, but they kicked sand in my face. Teacher: Oh no, that sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can write "blatant racial discrimination" on the board, you get a cookie.
If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it?
In Google Docs.
How do you upset a vegan by email?
Send them some spam
I was in a job interview today
When the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me." So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually, he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."