I’m doing my part!
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillope
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday…
Left the brownies in the oven for too long
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
Today I went to a support group for premature ejaculation.
Turns out they meet tomorrow.
Some strange person dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step this morning.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.
"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage." With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number. "Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers. "No, I'm sorry, you have the wrong number" says the person on the other end. "You see that students, that's surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like." He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number. When it answers, the professor asks. "Hi, can Dave come to the phone?" "I told you you have the wrong number" "That's irritation, my friends" says the professor. "Now, let's look at what rage looks like" He picks up the phone and dials the number again. When it answers he asks. "Is Dave available?" "LISTEN, YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, I'LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS. AND IF IT DOESN'T FIT, I'LL PUSH IT IN WITH MY COCK!!!!!!" "And that's rage." "Professor, you forgot the fourth stage," says a young man in the front rows. "And what might that be?" asks the professor. "It's called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate" He comes up to the podium, takes the professor's phone and dials the same number. "Hello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?"
“I’ve just had the worst time” the boy said.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy." "Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?" "I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender: I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but…
A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers…
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
At last I found some concrete IT support
https://i.imgur.com/xKsNWyA.png
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
Why are they called hemorrhoids?
Shouldn't they be called Asteroids?
A very shy guy goes into a bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
My father in law did well tonight.
NSFW At a restaurant tonight FIL: What do you call nuts on a wall? Everyone:…. FIL:Walnuts! Everyone:groan…. FIL:What do you call nuts in a chest? Everyone:… FIL:CHESTNUTS!! Everyone:… FIL:What do you call nuts on a chin?? Everyone:… FIL:A blowjob!! Everyone:Oh god no…. I'm so proud of him.
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
A shipment of Viagra has been stolen
Police looking for hardened criminals.
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
Why did Tesla read newspapers?
To know about current events.
![[request] taco fundraising puns](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/11/no_image_card-76-400x247.png)
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Bigly missing someone who sounds like they have more than a third grade education.
https://ift.tt/2wDJ50J
An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?”
The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”
Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
