I’m done with facebook πππ
The doctors said that my blood was type-A
But that was a type-O
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are talking. Harry says, “Ron, I’m gay.”
"Are you fucking serious?!" asks Ron. "Yeah…that too," says Harry.
Iβm still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently Iβve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips…
"Are you the friar?" he asked. The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: “You must be single.”
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
-Doc, I have hearing problems
-Could you describe the symptons? -Marge has blue hair and Homer is a fat guy
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. Weβre closed.
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
People think being a waitress isn’t a respectable job.
But hey, it puts food on the table.
In French we don’t say ‘ninety nine’…
..instead we say 'quatre-vingt dix neuf' which translates as 'we don't have a functional numerical system'
An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..
orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, βYou know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time.β The Irishman replies, well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and Iβm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that weβd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each oβme brothers and one for me self.β The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, βI donβt want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.β The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. βOh, no, everybodyβs just fine,β he explains, βItβs just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasnβt affected me brothers though.β
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now itβs aware wolf
Iβm just going to get some cigarettes
Iβll be right back
The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say “Get down Mr. President!”
Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"
Knock Knock
Whoβs there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollinβ they hatinβ
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer whoβs lying on the floor, βHave you seen me rob this bank?β
A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer whoβs lying on the floor, βHave you seen me rob this bank?β – βYes, sir,β says the customer and gets promptly shot. – βHave you seen me rob this bank?β the robber asks another customer. – βAbsolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!β
How do you learn how to talk to a lady?
Ask your mother
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
I call my penis ‘The Truth’.
Sometimes it hurts and most women can't handle it.
My ex wife still misses me
But her aim is getting better
A chemical warehouse was robbed at gunpoint, the assailants cleaned out all stores of substances with pH above 7.
"All your base are belong to us"
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
Seniors during quarantine
I was on a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
People in Germany were hoarding sausage and cheese due to the pandemic,
It was the wurst kΓ€se scenario.
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, βGive me two shots ofβ¦β
The bartender cuts him off saying,βYou only get one shot.β
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
Heβs not looking so good.
An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.
First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting. Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere. Obviously, he chooses hell, but as soon as gets there, he gets thrown into a tub of boiling water, with demons poking him with pitchforks. He starts complaining to the Devil, that this isn't what he was shown. The Devil replies, "Well, sorry mate, that was just the E3 demo".
Why are balloons so expensive
Inflation
What do you after an Apple turns bad?
You open windows.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
Happy National Limerick Day!! Here’s the classic one for you if you didnt know it.
There once was man from Nantucket Who's dick was so long he could suck it He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin If my ear were a cunt, I could fuck it.
A dollar !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, βThis is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.β The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, βWhich do you want, son?β The boy takes the quarters and leaves. βWhat did I tell you?β said the barber. βThat kid never learns!β Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. βHey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?β The boy replied, βBecause the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!β π π