Im doomed without Her
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
What do you call a snake building its own home?
A boa constructor
Made this a bit ago during a chem lab. Thought you guys would appreciate it :D
https://ift.tt/2AwRSmp
A man has been at the Pub all night drinking
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
No text found
I don’t understand how Australians can be homophonic.
I mean, G’day is just gay with a d rammed into it.
Women are like grenades…
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your terrible jokes.
Me: I understand. And for the main course?
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
My wife dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" He answered, "I don't know." I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
Little Johnny’s teacher held a contest one Friday in school.
"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday. "The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?" Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately, but the teacher calls on Little Stevie. Little Stevie says, "That was John F. Kennedy, ma'am." "That's right, Little Stevie. You may take the day off on Monday." Little Stevie replies, "Actually, ma'am, I'm Jewish, and we believe in education. I'll be here on Monday." The teacher thanks Stevie for his dedication and then says, "Our next quotation is, 'One small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' Who said that one?" Again, Little Johnny's hand shoots straight up because he'd love a day off, but instead the teacher calls on Little Susie. Little Susie says, "That was Neil Armstrong, teacher, but just like Stevie, I, too, am Jewish and believe strongly in education. I'll be here ready to learn on Monday." From the back of the class, Little Johnny yells, "Fuck the Jews!" The teacher whips her head around and shouts, "Who said that?!" Little Johnny replies, "Adolf Hitler. See ya Tuesday."
Not sure if this counts but my dad (a boomer) sent this to me and I thought it was great.
https://ift.tt/3cZPYJT
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
When cashing out at the grocery store it was obvious my cashier was high, slow as hell, and insulting me under their breath.
I still don't know if I like self-checkout.
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
How did Darth Vader know Santa had arrived?
He could sense his presents.
I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger.
Then it hit me
Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs
…like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.
My wife tore a page from the dictionary and locked it in her closet.
I still don't know the hidden meaning behind it.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…