I’m feel ecstatic
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
What do you call a dolphin that never ends?
Dol, cause there’s no “fin.”
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
It’s amazing how seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid January and I’m freezing.
But apparently back in England it's the end of May.
Son: “Dad, your clothes look gay.”
Dad: “I just got them out of the closet though.”
How to tell if your rich
When a cop pulls you over, he tells you a joke.
What do you call a T-Rex that can fly
A Dino-soar
Two whales are in the ocean, and one whale says to the other:
OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo…OOOoooOoOOOooOOooOOOoOOOoOoOO…ooOOOOOoOOOOoOoooOoOoOOOOoooOOOOoOooOoooooOooooo…oOOOOoOOOoOooOOOOoOooOoooooOOOoooooOOoOOoOOoOOOOOoOooooOOOO…oOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOooOoOOOOOOOoOOOooOOOoooooooooo…OOOoOoOoooOooooooOOOOooooOOooooooOoooOooooOooOoOoOoooOOoooOoOoOoooooo…oOOOoooOOooOOooOOOooOOOOOOoOOOOoooooOOOOoOOOOooooOooOooOoooo…OOoOOOoooooOooOOoOOOOOOOOOoOooooOoOOOoOOOOoOooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoO…oOoOoooOoOOoOoOoOoOOOooOOOoOOOOOOOOoOOOOOOooOoOooOOOoOooOo… To which the other replied: Shut up, Frank. You're drunk.
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
I asked my North Korean friend, “what’s it like to live in North Korea?”
He responded, “can’t complain.”
My son’s nursery school just bought some brand new air fresheners…
It's a day care scenter.
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.
From a distance they looked like hares.
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.
He finishes his drink and asks for the check. Duck billed Platypus.
My father identifies as a woman, but he never told me about it
He wasn't being very trans parent.
I mixed an orange flavored soda and a twig once…
…it was fantastic!
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire ?
“Same time next month?”
I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely…
…if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
What do u call a zombie that writes music?
A decomposer
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad…
I take something for it.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?”
Why was the locomotive always hungry?
It had a really hard time choo choo chooing it’s food.
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Boomer uncle posts this on Facebook nice break from his usual Michelle is a man posts
https://ift.tt/2Eou8zy
What’s big and blue and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The Pacific Ocean
The roof is not my son
But I will raise it nevertheless.
A mime was arrested in my town after getting into a bar fight and breaking his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punch line becomes a-parent
What is the best Donald Trump joke you’ve heard?
Don’t know if this one is in here yet, but here goes: Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings. The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”. (No, not the punch line yet) So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that’d be a tragedy.” “Not quite”, says Mr. Trump, “that would be an accident.” A little girl raises her hand: “if a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explained the president. “That’s what we would call a great loss.” The room goes silent. Trump searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? “ Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens; that would be a tragedy.” “Fantastic!” exclaimed Mr. Trump. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?” “Well’, said little Johnny, “because it sure as hell wouldn’t be a great loss and probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
For me, sex is like a game
Single player
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.