I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know y.
America’s almost finished switching to the metric system.
But they've got miles to go.
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
As a doctor, I hate making jokes about an unvaccinated child.
But Iโm thinking of giving it a shot.
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
I am reading a book called โThe History of Lubricants.โ
Itโs non-friction.
How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
Did you hear about the successful cows?
They were out standing in their field
A guy’s credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.
Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now? Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife. Cop: Then why are you reporting it now? Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.
A Jewish man on the subway is reading an Arab newspaper
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached him. "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?" Moshe replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was
What do you do if a turkey starts chasing you during a snow storm?
You run away. Turns out you can't just stop cold turkey.
Old Turkish joke
One day Temel, the truck driver, while driving down a hill realizes that his brakes are not working. The truck is going faster and faster, until he reaches an intersection. Temel looks around. On his right, there is a child; on his left, there is a bazaar with more than 100 people. As a โcleverโ man, Temel chooses to drive towards the child instead of the bazaar. However, the next day, newspaper headlines read โTEMEL DROVE HIS TRUCK INTO THE BAZAAR, 40 KILLED, 35 INJUREDโ. They ask Temel: โHow come you commit such an act?โ Temel answers: โEverything happened when the child started to run towards the bazaarโ.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
The greatest Schrodinger punchline…
or maybe not.
What do you call a man with sore hands?
Arthur Itis.
Whatโs the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
What award did the inventor of the knock knock joke win?
The No bell prize.
Are you todayโs date?
Because you are 10/10
The secret service doesnโt yell โGet down!โ anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell โDonald, Duck!โ
My 6 yo asks: โWhatโs a pirateโs favorite letter?โ
I think to myself โOh I used to say this jokeโ. So in my best pirate voice I laugh and say, โR!โ Smirking, my 6 yo replies, โAye, youโd think so, but it โtis the C!โ Proud moment right there folks!
![[Onutฤ (a name) looks so natural.] [You’re right, when she was alive, she looked like a corpse already]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/kyk6460th3y41-400x479.jpg)
Doctor: Sorry sir.. Your DNA is reversed.
Man: AND ?
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: โThat took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didnโt even see me.โ
โThatโs just simple thievery,โ the Irishman replied. โIโll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.โ The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: โSir, I want to show you a magic trick.โ The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: โOkay my friend, whereโs the magic trick?โ The Irishman then said: โLook in the Englishmanโs pockets.โ
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
/r/teenagers/comments/f2yg7u/it_is_interesting_to_realise_that_the_indian_gods/
I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2ยฒ to say it.
No text found
Old man and the prostitute [NSFW]
A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ years old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?" The old man said, "but I won't be able to…" Prostitute: "c'mon man…. give it a try… " Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his 8 incher and fucks the daylights out of her for 30 minutes. When he's done, the prostitute all exhausted and tired says, "but you said you won't be able to…." "…pay you" replied the old man.
I always used to wonder why golfers would shout โforeโ…
Then it hit me.
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
You should send a picture of your ex to NASA.
Apparently they are desperate to get a photo of A hole that sucks all your time and energy.
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
