I’m friends with 25 letters of the alphabet
I don’t know y
So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package…
…But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
Working at the unemployment office sucks.
If you lose your job you still have to come in.
People are dying all around the world just to mess with your loser president *eye roll*
https://ift.tt/33vbr99
I just saw 10 ants frantically running around my kitchen. I felt bad so I built them a small house.
Now I’m their landlord and I collect rent from my tenants.
Rest in peace to boiling water
You will be mist
“Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?”
"Yes, we arson."
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,
and I don’t try to run mine.
3d printers can print guns now
Not impressed. Had a canon printer for years.
What do an English teacher and a Coder have in common?
They're both pro-grammars
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes…
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each, before they are given their lives back. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. Slurring his words out of a misshapen mouth, he says "I want to be gorgeous," And so God snaps His fingers, and -boom!- he’s gorgeous. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line hears everyone else’s wish and starts laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.
I guess she's used to most people just flushing.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him. He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it. The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded. When the lights come up he taps the dog's owner on the shoulder and tells him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie." The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."
I don’t often tell Dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake
She still isn’t talking to me
Hey officer, how did the hackers escape ?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
Apparently you cant use “beefstew” as a password
I must not be strogonough (strong enough)
Why did 7 eat 9 ?
it’s recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and torso away.
I told him to quit while he was a head.
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
Some people aren’t shaking hands because of the Coronavirus.
I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a dog
It was a shitzu