I’m frightened of elevators
I’m taking steps to avoid them now
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
All my life I’ve wanted to learn how to juggle
I just never had the balls to do it
My friend asked me, “what’s the best part about living in Switzerland?”
I said, “I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.”
You should never buy Velcro
It’s a total ripoff
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
Apparently my friends started a hula hooping club but never told me about it.
They kept me out of the loop.
My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.
He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get jurasskicked.
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn’t get an erection.
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
Can’t wait to see Liam Neeson’s new film
Taken: Out Of Context.
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
My wife just accused me of having zero empathy.
I don’t understand how she can feel that way.
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What? Did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? I waited an entire year to say this
Gamers these days have no patience.
Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were three days
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
Catto Corleone!
Catto Corleone!
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Cause he Neverlands.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy…
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community… If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!' Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows…' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
You shouldn’t fart in an Apple store,
They don't have Windows…