IM FUCKGIN CRYING 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
I stand corrected.
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
Mayo Neighs ..
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later she awakes, and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they’re both fine. Luckily, your brother was here to name them for you Woman: Oh no! Not my brother, he’s an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well that isn’t so bad, and what did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew EDIT: Wow, thanks for the silver kind stranger!
A time traveler walks into a bar
It was a real pain in the ass finding it.
Thousands of people come, and they need someone to organize them, so the oldest mod, u/Daleeburg, is chosen to host the event. "Welcome, Redditors!" He begins as everybody settles in. "We have some very important speakers coming up. I would like to thank–" but u/Daleeburg never finishes his sentence. Without warning, a hooded figure comes up behind him, unsheathes a large scythe, and lops of his head. Blood sprays everywhere. Pandemonium ensues. In the confusion, the spectre disappears with the body. Emergency services are called, and a manhunt begins, but in the meantime the subscribers of r/jokes have decided to continue with the convention. u/iBleeedOrange, as the mod with the most karma, is chosen to be the new host. "I'm sorry everybody had to go through that, and may u/Daleeburg rest in peace," he says, straightening his Syracuse hat. "But now we can continue without further interruption. Please give a warm welcome to—" u/iBleeedOrange stops speaking, because the murderer materializes behind him and decapitates him, just as before. As chaos reigns in the venue, what can only be the Grim Reaper disappears with the body again. After everything quiets down, though, the r/jokes subscribers decide to give the meetup one last shot. They select a very nervous u/love_the_heat to be host because of his avid mod work and increase security, just to be on the safe side. "Welco–" u/love_the_heat begins, but is immediately killed by the Grim Reaper, who popped out of nowhere to chop off his head with that rather large scythe of his. Security, however, is quick to react this time, and they tackle Death to the ground, subduing and handcuffing him. As they lead him off the stage in shackles, someone yells "why? Why did you have to come to the r/jokes meetup?" Death turned around and gave his answer. "To reap host."
A man is lying sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater before the show has even started. An usher walks by, notices the man and says, “Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated. The usher becomes impatient with the man, "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved" Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the manager. In a few moments, he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success. It was at this point that the manager calls the police. Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, "Alright buddy, what's your name?" "Sam." the man moans. "And where ya from Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony…"
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do
Sometimes he laughs.
1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.
They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise. St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much will this cost us?" asked the husband. "Nothing," St. Peter responded. "This is Heaven- everything is free!" Next, he took them to the Championship golf course just minutes away from their mansion. They would have golfing privileges whenever they wanted, an angel as a caddy on command, and the course even changed daily to represent the most elite courses on Earth. "This is… stupendous," the wife asked. "What are the green fees?" Again, St. Peter said "Nothing. This is Heaven- everything is taken care of." Next, he took them to the equivalence of a five-star restaurant next to the course. Wagu beef, prime rib, lobster, veal, salmon, rare vegetables and spices- all one could eat. "How much-" "Again, free," St. Peter responded to the wife. "This is Heaven." The husband paused. "Well… this is all nice, but… do you have any low cholesterol, low-fat options…?" St. Peter chuckled. "In Heaven, you don't have to worry about Earthly problems. You will never get fat and you will never get sick." Suddenly, the husband grew angry, and screamed toward the sky. St. Peter and the man's wife tried calming him down, but he kept getting angrier. "What's the matter???" the wife asked. "Why aren't you happy here???" The man responded, "This is all YOUR fault!!! If it weren't for your fucking 'bran muffins' and 'paleo chicken' recipes, we would have been here 10 years ago!!!"
2B or not 2B
"I'll have 5 beer please."
Because he conditioned it.
Now he’s aware wolf
and a Czech one too.
My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
I know he means well. (Since my last well-joke did well (pun intended) I thought this would be a nice follow-up)
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
Oh, high marks
I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.
She asked how warm is it inside. I said Lukewarm.
We just clicked.
But it's the tallest buildings that have the most stories
It was historical
It was just collecting dust