I’m Getting Better at Programming
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
An IQ below 70 qualifies you for having an intellectual disability
Now I just need to figure out if that's in Celcius or Fahrenheit
-Dad, can I wash the car with you?
-I don't know son, why can't you just use a sponge?
I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a Doctor during sex
To satisfy my fetish of being able to afford medicare.
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
What do police do when there’s a fly annoying everyone in the station?
Call the swat team.
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
What do a priest and a silver medalists have in common?
They both came in a little behind
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
A magician worked on a cruise ship…
….the audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it … With the parrot… They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day… And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said….."Alright, good one but i can't take it any longer, what did you do with the ship???"
I went for my interview to be a bus driver.
I said, "Sorry I'm late." They said, "You're hired"
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?
Because they single file to hide their numbers.
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
Wait, I’m still working on it.
Did you hear about the guy trapped inside of a giant cucumber at the bottom of the ocean?
He was really in a pickle.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like..
So I told him, “C4 yourself”
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
Doctor : Does it hurt?
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
Justice is best served cold
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?
The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.
Its getting too hot to wear a suit
The weather just isn't suitable
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
I walked downstairs to find my daughter eating cereal in complete darkness
I asked her, "What kind of psycho eats cereal in the dark?" "A cereal killer" she replied. I have taught her well.
