I’m giving these to my friends for Valentine’s Day 😅
How did the pharaoh get so rich?
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
Ok – I finally understand my life.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
Never date a baker!
They're way too kneady…
What does necrophilia and alcoholism have in common?
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
I never understood how glass worked
But it's clear to me now.
Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
There was a young man…
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
Man: My girlfriend is pregnant, but I always wear a condom. How did this happen?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead. Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it. Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
Why was the virgin left hanging?
No text found
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua
I can’t believe someone stole my limbo pole the other day…
I mean, how low can you go?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
“Can you please change my grade?”
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh.”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears?
It was cutting-hedge technology.
We should’ve known communism would fail.
There were so many red flags.
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I had sex with an almond tree once
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
Trump’s parents are in trouble
They made a racist joke.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
What do you call a crossword puzzle that only has bad words in it?
A cross word puzzle.
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”
There was an attempt to praise Trump… and then the truth came in like a wrecking ball
https://ift.tt/2VTw39e
