I’m giving these to my friends for Valentine’s Day 😅
He was running a huge pyramid scheme.
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed…… On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?" And God agreed…… On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And God agreed again…… On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God. "You asked for it." So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
They're way too kneady…
The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
But it's clear to me now.
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
Doctor: Let me tell you a story; a hunter carried his gun with him everywhere he went. One day, he mistakenly grabbed his umbrella and went out. A lion attacked him and hoping to scare it off he pointed the umbrella at it like a rifle and yelled "Bang" and the lion dropped dead. Man: That's impossible, someone else must have shot it. Doctor: I'm glad you understood the story.
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Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
I mean, how low can you go?
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
But none of them work.
You have my word
“Of course,” Tom remarked.
"I'll have 5 beer please."
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
It was cutting-hedge technology.
There were so many red flags.
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
It was at that point in my life i realized i was fucking nuts.
They made a racist joke.
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
But when I do he laughs
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
A cross word puzzle.
The other replies "shut your mouth"
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”
He said, “No, it kills them.”