I’m giving these to my friends for Valentine’s Day 😅
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
What’s a decent Asian stereotype?
I like Sony and Yamaha.
A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you’ll last longer.
So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight" But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go under his car and pretend he's fixing something but actually having a wank. So on his way home he pulls over, crawls under his car, closes his eyes and imagines his wife. Suddenly he hears a voice, "Excuse me sir, what do you think your doing?" In shock he answers," I'm just fixing my car, the gear box was malfunctioning". The man answers " I think the handbrake is as well, your car went down the hill about five minutes ago"
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet,
It's a good thing I'm married…
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
So I decided to start giving beginner bass lessons.
In the first lesson I taught my first student the first 5 notes on the lowest string, and then the next week I taught him the first 5 notes on the next string. But the next week he didn't turn up. The week after that, he showed up and I said to him, "dude where were you last week?" to which he replied "I had a gig"
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
It is actually difficult to figure it out nowadays
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
Since vampires are hurt by holy water, I always wondered why Priests don’t bless storm clouds and kill them from above. Then I realized why most vampires live in Europe
Someone already blessed the rains down in Africa
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
cleaning with alcohol doesn’t work…
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
A guy with a gun enters a bar.
"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily A voice was hears in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
I say no to alcohol.
It just doesn’t listen.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
What’s the difference between your life and a pencil?
The Pencil has a point.
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick
Seriously, how low can you go?
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
What’s the most remarkable invention of the last 100 years?
Dry erase board.