I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
Did you hear about the premature ejaculator that is training to become a ninja?
Guys a natural, comes out of nowhere.
Dwayne Johnson locked eyes with Medusa
nothing happened
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
A man walks into a bar
He sits down and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Rough day?” The guy responds “I just found out my brother is gay and is dating my best friend.” The next day the guy goes back to the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “what happened this time?” The guy responds “I just found out my son is also gay” The next day the guy goes in and orders 30 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks “Does anyone in your family like women?” The guy responds “apparently my wife does”
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
Girl: come over
Guy: I’m coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
My grandfather’s broken watch is as relevant to my family today as it was to him 50 years ago.
It’s a timeless piece, really.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
Yo mama so fat
We are all concerned for her health, Kevin.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Why do fish fail in school?
They are below the C level.
Why was Santa’s sack so big?
He only comes once a year.
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
We don’t hate female main characters, we hate bad writing
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
Sign on the espresso machine said, “Coffeemaker not hot.”
So I wrote, "But has a great personality."
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.