I’m gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
“You’re addicted!”
"No, I'm not. And stop calling me Ted!"
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
Why did God create Adam before Eve?
He didn’t want any advice on how to do it
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom”.
Husband: "Take the car next time, silly!"
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
A Mexican, recently arrived in the US, wanting to earn some money, decides to become a handy-man…
…and starts looking for some work in an up-scale neighborhood nearby. He goes to the front door of the nearest house and asks the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” the owner says. The Mexican responds, “How about $50?” The owner says “Fine, there’s a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage.” The owner’s wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asks her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That’s a whole day’s job!!” The man replies, “He should; he was standing on it. Not my problem if he didn’t pay attention.” A short time later, the Mexican comes to the door and asks for the $50. “You’ve finished already?” the husband asks. “Yes,” he replies, “and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reaches into his pocket for the money and hands it to him. “And by the way,” the Mexican adds, “it’s not a Porsche, it’s BMW"
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.” “No, I wouldn’t,” he said. She said, “I sell tampons.” With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard. She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover it’s butt-quack.
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
I use to be addicted to tide pods.
But I'm clean now.
I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself
And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"
It’s strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education…
According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.
Why did the dog say “meow”?
he was bilingual
FINALY, my clock-fetish sex tape arrived in the mail…
…it's about fucking time.
A man is washing his car with his son. The son says…
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
The doctor told me I only have 2 months to live due to cancer…
So I killed the doctor and the judge gave me 20 years.
How to get rich
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
What did the necklace say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I’ll hang around.
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Did you know that Iceland…
…is only one sea away from Ireland?
Every day at breakfast, I announce that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.
It was my longest running joke of the year.
Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar…
She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor…
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
Today, I accidentally played dad instead of dead when a bear was running at me
He can now ride a bike without training wheels