I’m gonna start a cocaine delivery service
I'll call it instagram
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket
You can hide but you can't run
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
Found a bullet in my avocado
Guess you can call it glockomole
I‘ve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now…
I wish I had never put it on.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearable.
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
A guy goes to a Halloween party with a beautiful girl on his back….
The host asks him, "And what are you?" The guy says, " I'm a snail." The host says "And who's that on your back?" "That's Michelle!"…
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work………
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.
How many South Americans it takes to change a bulb?
One brazilian
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined.
Imagine all the people
Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
My wife found out I was cheating on her, after she found all the letters I was hiding.
She got so mad she said she was never going to play Scrabble with me again!
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
I was a soap addict.
But now I'm clean.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favorite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.
I walked into the bedroom, and I was shocked! "Honey, Jabba the Hut is not my favorite Star Wars character" I said. "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed you asshole!"
A police officer says to a couple: “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire”.
They ask "Arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same….
Once you’ve heard Juan, you’ve heard Jamal…
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
OK. I admit it. I’m an unemployed leather worker.
I’ve got nothing to hide.
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.
I can really taste the change.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
Why is booze better than carrots?
Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision.
Reddit’s freedom of speech
[removed]
I thought a had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Skeletons are incapable of movement since they are inanimate objects
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
