I’m happy u can’t breathe
I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk…
He's basically a giant banner.
“Forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”
"But I never went to college." "Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here."
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
My grandpa told me “All you kids do these days is play video games.”
“When I was your age”, he continued, “my buddies and I went to Paris, We went to the Moulin Rouge and I fucked a dancer on stage, pissed on the bartender and didn’t pay for my drinks all night!” The grandson thinks his grandfather is right. He goes to Paris and the Moulin Rouge with his friends. He comes back only three days later covered in bruises, and with a broken arm. The grandfather asks, “What the hell happened to you?” The grandson says, “I did just like you did. I went to the Moulin Rouge; I tried to fuck a dancer on stage and piss on the bartender — but they beat the shit out of me and stole all the cash in my wallet!” The grandfather says, “Well who the hell did you go with boy?” The grandson says, “My friends from school, who did you go with?” The grandfather says, “Well…the Nazis.”
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other:
"Do you know how to drive this thing?"
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
My math teacher called me average…
How mean.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
Got fired from my job at the coffee factory
Boss said it was because I had no filter
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
What do an Amsterdam woman and Saudi woman have in common?
They both get stoned after sex
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people.
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
Fifty Shades of Gray has beat records for the fastest selling R rated movie
Well, first it tied the records up, then it beat them…
If A is for Apple and B is for Banana then what is C for?
Plastic Explosives.
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
I can cut wood just by staring at it
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
WHAT DO WE WANT??! RACE CAR NOISES!!! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!!
Neeeeeeooooooowwwwww
It’s hardly known this, but one of Shakespeare’s characters actually died at childbirth.
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
A clown held open the door for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
It’s crazy how fast milk trucks are driven these days…
One blink and they’ve gone pasteurise.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.