I’m jus sayin
My dad has a heart of a lion
and a lifetime ban from the zoo
Figured out I was adopted the other day. Decided to confront my dad about it.
I told him "Dad, I found the paperwork. I know" Dad said "What paperwork? What did you find?" "I'm adopted" He replied "Hi adopted! I'm- oh, wait. Nevermind."
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.
I was on the motorway and desperate for a wee.
"Quick, pass me your bottle!" I told my son, grabbing my crotch. Bloody useless that boy. He just sat there crying in his car seat.
Don’t tell anyone this…
This is Top Secret . . . . . . . . This is Bottom Secret (Don't tell anyone this either)
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.
"911 What's your emergency?" She answers. "My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous "Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies. There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot. The man then says, "OK, now what?"
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender say, “ we don’t serve food here”
Why doesn’t the moon shave?
Because it waxes
Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But it’s definitely up there.
Why did the banana put on make-up?
To look more ap-peel-ing!
An employee is absent.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello." "Is your Daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the little voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…"Me!"
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
I was so angry when the door knob broke off my front door.
I couldn’t handle it.
6 out of 7 Dwarves are not Happy
No text found
I’ve been searching for my ex wife’s killer for the past two years.
No one is willing to do it.
I would avoid the sushi if I were you
it seems a little fishy
When you’ve had enough of the toddler screaming and running around the restaurant
When you’ve had enough of the toddler screaming and running around the restaurant
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars
Police are working tirelessly to catch him
I buy my guns from a guy that goes by “T-Rex”
He’s a small arms dealer
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am
Is it The same shit different day?
I don’t understand the opposition to same sex marriage.
Isn't the whole point of marriage to have the same sex for the rest of your life?
A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.
At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made. The man: Well, Charley? Charley lifts his paw. The man: Charley, come on, say something. Charley barks once. The man: Charley, what is it, now? Say something in English. Charley clearly doesn't understand what the man wants from him and is getting visibly nervous. Finally the man has to give up, pays the lost money, and leaves with Charley. After walking a few blocks in the rain the man asks sadly: "Why did you do that?" "Just imagine how much we're going to win there tomorrow."
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE