I’m laughing and I shouldn’t be. Sorry.
I sent this to my mom and she really liked it. Thanks boomer comic artists :)
https://ift.tt/2MOn701
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camo jacket.
You can hide but you cant run
I got a bar installed into my roof.
Just so whenever I have guests I can say "drinks are on the house".
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
What’s the difference between a filthy Greyhound terminal and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and one is a busty crustacean.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates?
The prose outweighs the cons.
I made a computer program read 100 jokes from this subreddit, then made it tell a joke based on those. Here’s what it said.
Why did you make me read the same thing 100 times?
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that's not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
My dad burst into my room and said, “Wanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.
He said. “Sorry. That was a long winded story.”
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg’s jokes
I still do, but I used to too
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
NSFW Why are camels called the ship of the desert?
Because they’re full of Arab semen.
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
The first time I ever used an elevator was a real uplifting experience.
The second time was a big let down!!!
How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?
You call them antisemantic!
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.
Why did the pencil get flushed down the toilet?
It was a #2!
What do you call it when a midget gives head?
A below job
If a mass of beef fat is ‘tallow’, and mass of pig fat is ‘lard’, what is a mass of human fat called?
'American'. Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd …
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!