I’m laughing and I shouldn’t be. Sorry.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a registered 6 offender
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
If I poured root beer into a square glass,
would I just have beer?
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Del
She wanted to see the task manager
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
I know loads of jokes about cash machines
I just can't think of one atm
Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?
I guess we'll know when the time comes.
I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth on a gram.
I was – like – 0MG.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
At the grocery store the other day, the bagger asked the woman in front of me, “Paper or plastic?” She responded, “It makes no difference to me. You choose.” The bagger explained that he isn’t allowed to, and that she had to choose. This upset her quite a bit, which was confusing to me.
I thought it was common knowledge that baggers can't be choosers.
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said…
"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
How to effectively ensure everyone around you respects 6 ft social distancing
https://ift.tt/3deHhLa
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused on my trip to Japan
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia
Trump received a conference call from his Top General in Iraq.
General: "This morning, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." Trump's face went Egg shell White. The blood left his face and to every ones amazement he collapsed on the floor. Minutes passed and to every ones relief President Trump sat back on his chair His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their commander in chief, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again. Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the General "How many is a brazillion?"
What does “The Sixth Sense” have in common with “Titanic”?
Icy dead people.
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister go to a blood drive
The rabbit says “I’m pretty sure I’m a type-o”
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.