IM LAUGHING HARD ππππ
Yesterday I saw a half-dog, half-cat…
Whatβs up with dat!?
The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.
After the owner teached him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand. 'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks. 'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.' So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving young Jeremy in charge of the store. Some time later, a woman walks in. She's in search of a mechanized equivalent of the male boomstick of glory. Jeremy shows her the so-called model 'Hercules'; huge, veiny and with a firm grip. The woman is very intrigued and leaves the store thrilled to bits. Several other women pass by aswell and Jeremy proves himself to be a keen salesman of battery-powered penises. All women leave the store satisfied with there purchase. Then an elderly lady walks in the store in search of some private pleasure. Jeremy shows her the top of the stock, but the lady seems dearly unimpressed. Then, a spectacular model catches her eye. 'What about that red one?' she asks. 'Oh, I see, mylady is a connoisseur!' Jeremy replies. He shows her the model and with a light tred and a big grin, the lady leaves the store. Later that afternoon, the boss returns and asks how business has been. Beaming with pride, Jeremy replies: 'It was great! I made quite the sells!' 'Oh really?' the boss asks, impressed, 'what models did you sell?' 'Well sir, 1 model Hercules, 1 model King Kong, 2 LongSchlong21's and the fire-extinguiser.'
I am opening a new gay club called βGarage Saleβ
because one manβs junk is another manβs treasure.
I swallowed a dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I ever had!
Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
What do you call a dinosaur that explodes?
Well I don't know but the Dinomite
What did the redditor say when he won the olympics?
Edit: Thanks for the gold!
What do you call a dog that eats other dogs?
A caninbal.
A newlywed couple goes to the hospital to give birth to their baby.
When they arrive, the doctor says that he invented a machine to transfer part of the labor pain of the mother to the father of the baby. He then asks if they agree. The couple accepts gladly the procedure. The doctor puts the machine at 10% for starting, explaining that even the 10% it's probably more pain that the father could ever bear. But when the labor started, the husband was feeling okay and he asked the doctor to raise the level. The doctor raised the transfer to 20%. The husband was still feeling good. The former checked the blood pressure of the latter and he was surprised by how good he was reacting. At this point, both decided to raise the transfer up to 50%. The husband was STILL feeling good. Since the transfer of pain was really helping the wife, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The woman gave birth to a healthy child and virtually with no pain. She and her husband were really happy. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.
Are your kids twins?
A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter, "I just couldn't believe someone would fuck you twice …"
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator
Only a fraction of you will understand that
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
βAye, mateyβ
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
The Australians once killed a bunch of rabbits and proved this. Evolution be sick sometimes.
https://ift.tt/3bpzxoQ
I hear coronavirus porn is trending.
What a bunch of sick fucks.
I went to the liquor store yesterday on my bike
I bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break, so I drank all the whiskey before I cycled home. It turned out to be a good decision because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home. Imagine what would've happened to the bottle.
I really wanted to watch Fast and the Furious,
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, heΒ΄s also a terrible driver"
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
Why is the horse so happy?
Because he lives in a stable environment.
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
Man with authority walks into a bar…
…and orders everyone a round.
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
A girl killed a butterfly [Slightly NSFW]
Her father became mad and said "No butter for you" Later, the girl killed a honeybee, her father again became mad and said "No honey for you" The girl later killed a cockroach. Her father said "Nice try, this is Alabama" (Sorry, English is not my first language)
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
Took this pic of me today, feel free to make a meme of it
Took this pic of me today, feel free to make a meme of it
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
Sheepdog: Yep, thatβs 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, βYou are under-aged. I canβt serve you beer.β The weasel asks, βWhat can I have?β The bartender replies, βI have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.β βPop!β goes the weasel.
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Yβall Qaeda.
I tied all my watches to my belt
too bad it was a waist of time.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
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