i’m laughing so hard this is genius
My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.
I said maybe-
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you are intimidated by a date, remember one thing.”
They are just big raisins.
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
Why didn’t the cow’s post get any upvotes?
[remooved]
I really owe a lot to sidewalks.
They've been keeping me off the streets for years.
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
As a landlord, I truly value my easy-going, Chinese food-loving occupants.
They're lo mein tenants.
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.
My wife laughed at me when I told her I was building a car made of spaghetti..
Until I drove pasta
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
Can February March?
Can February March? No, but April May.
I was addicted to masturbating, now I’m addicted to sex.
It’s really gotten out of hand.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
I tried using “chicken” as a password but my PC said it must contain a capital
New password is “chickenkiev”
A teenage girl was getting frisky with her boyfriend…
At her parent's house. Her father, after being woken by the noises, goes upstairs to check it out; and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being, a dad, replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you *fucking* sorry?"
A student came late in the class and the teacher wants to know why.
"You know, I woke up as usual, got to my horse and went to school. But I don't know why, my horse suddenly died in the middle of the town square. I had to walk rest of the way and that's why I am late." Teacher doesn't believe a single word, but there will be enough time to solve this problem after class. Then second late student came. "I am really sorry I came late. I overslept my alarm, but I got to my horse and galloped here as fast as I could. And suddenly in the middle of the town square my horse died, so I had to walk the rest of the way." Teacher doesn't believe this either. But before he can say anything a third late student appears in the class. "Let me guess. You wanted to came here on your horse, but it died. Am I right?" asks the teacher. "What? No. I went by tram as usual. But we were delayed, because on the town square are 2 dead horses lying in the track."
How do you get your wife to notice you?
Sit on a couch and look comfortable.
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbell door.
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
What’s the best reward for a knock knoc joke?
A no-bell price
Best incest joke? It’s actually pretty hilarious, but I won’t tell you.
We keep it in the family
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, “Death to America!”
I think I might have terror wrists.
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
I crafted a tiny cover for my pet bird’s chair.
It's a crow chez crochet.
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp