I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
It's time consuming.
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
Followed by Batman.
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
But only if everyone gets them
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
No strings attached.
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
Nothing they're fine
I said, "In a gym."
On the other hand, everything is OK
My math teacher is a bastard.
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
No, seriously, it is.
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
Dad: No. You’re grounded. Son: No fair! Dad: That’s exactly what I said.
The Chargers suck.
Why does it have to be a group activity
We ended up getting into a row.
It only feels like a maternity
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature