I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
![Everything is terrible. [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/Ku1LmY1-400x400.jpg)
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
Just lost my job as a zookeeper
In my defence there were signs everywhere saying "please don't feed the animals"
A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar…
As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!” The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar…
Followed by Batman.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 10 brothers and sisters, but they don’t know either.
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I quit my job as a postman when they handed me my first letter to deliver.
I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.”
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
“Using three words…” said my personal trainer. “How would you define your body?”
I said, "In a gym."
I broke my finger at work today…
On the other hand, everything is OK
I’ve got 99 problems.
My math teacher is a bastard.
I was wondering why Music was coming from my printer..
Apparently the paper was Jamming.
How Long Is A Chinese Name
No, seriously, it is.
I was fired from my job as a Zoo Keeper after all the animals died
In my defence, all the signs did say "Don't feed the animals"
“Dad, can I go to the Renaissance festival?”
Dad: No. You’re grounded. Son: No fair! Dad: That’s exactly what I said.
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why does it have to be a group activity
![[pun request] sailor moon and art](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/no_image_card-30-400x247.png)
Went to a theater and my dumb friends wouldn’t sit together.
We ended up getting into a row.
What’s brown and not very heavy??
Light brown.
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
This might be my proudest dad joke so far
My daughter was meeting Daisy Duck at Disney world this morning and Daisy was signing her autograph book. I mentioned to the Disney cast member who was taking the photos that I didn't know that Daisy was left handed. The cast member said "Maybe she's ambidextrous" to which I replied "I think you mean ambiDUCKstrous".
Today, I walked into a restaurant.
"Hi, is my table ready?" "No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?" "No, that's okay." "Great, take these salads to table six then."
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
I just burnt my Hawaiian pizza
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny