I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
What’s the difference between a Trump voter and a polar bear?
One is a fat, white, mindless killing machine with no conscience or future, and the other is a bear.
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
āI had sex with another woman last night,ā he tells her. āBut I was thinking of you the whole time.ā Ā āYou miss me that much?ā she asks. Ā āNo,ā he says. āBut it kept me from cumming too fast.
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at childbirth before….
I replied, "Yes just once." The doctor asked, "What was it like?" I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
Why is soy sauce forbidden in fights?
Cause you should never Kikkoman when heās down.
People hate the police so much these days…
…that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
I just watched a program about beavers
It was the best dam program I've ever seen
Last night i used Vaseline with my wife and came 10 times
Once with her and 9 in the shower trying to wash it off
A young man named Joe bought a horse from a farmer for Ā£250.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse within the next few days. A couple of days later, the farmer drove up to Joeās house and said, āSorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.ā Joe replied, āWell, then just give me my money back.ā The farmer said, āCanāt do that. Iāve spent it already.ā Joe said, āOk, then, just bring me the dead horse.ā The farmer asked, āWhat ya gonna do with it? Joe said, āIām going to raffle him off.ā The farmer said, āYou canāt flog a dead horse!ā Joe said, āSure I can, Watch me. I just wonāt tell anybody heās dead.ā A month Later, the farmer met up with Joe and asked, āWhat happened with that dead horse?ā Joe said, āI raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at Ā£5 apiece and made a profit of Ā£2495.ā The farmer said, āDidnāt anyone complain?ā Joe said, āJust the guy who won. So I gave him his Ā£5 back.ā
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in lengthā¦
Must be some kind of milestoneā¦
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I’m 72% jesus.
I'm also 100% in prision.
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
“What’s your wage?” asked my friend.
I said, "It's the amount of money I make."
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry
Why did my dad go to prison?
Beats me.
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
Paddyās night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrickās Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, āYouāll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddyā. Paddy replies, āOK Mick, Iāll be on my way thenā. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. āDamn,ā he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. āDamn, damn!ā He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air heāll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. āBy Jeebersā¦ Iām a little crocked,ā he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, āNo damnā wayā. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says āI can make it to the bed!ā He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says āDamn it!ā and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, āGet up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?ā Paddy says, āNo Jess, what makes you say that?ā āMick phonedā¦ you left your wheelchair at the pub
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
Surge pricing? More like food for chumps n suckers.
My moms response time for a slap in the face used to be 1ms
and it hertz alot.
In honor of Trumpās birthday, hereās a portrait of Americaās last great president.
https://ift.tt/2XZEgJO
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
Itās not hard
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ear pierced?
Its a buccaneer
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
I keep hearing people say “sweet Jesus”…
…but if you ask me he tastes saviory
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
Iāll see you next month
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls āwho had sex with my wife!!!ā
A guy in the back replies You donāt have enough bullets
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
An Inventor in the 1800s created a device that instantly eliminated all bells in the world.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC
At his wedding, my buddy called me the worst best man he has ever seen.
I was speechless.