I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
Leather armor is perfect for sneaking
Its literally made of hide.
What do you call a broken can opener?
Can't opener.
My grandfather killed six Germans at Normandy beach.
Not as heroic as it sounds, though, he just did it last week.
Doctor: I’m terribly sorry, but it seems your kidneys are failing.
Me: I can't believe this is happening. Wife (sobbing): How will we tell our son? Me: … I'll tell him. [Later at home, sitting down with son] Me: Bad news kid, your knees are failing.
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
I guess you could say it was bread in captivity
Me Tarzan, you Jane…
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."
A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking…
He says, "Magic beer. You want one?" "Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says. "Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window. "That's incredible! I don't believe it!" she says. "Hey barkeep, throw me another one o' them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again. "Here, you try it" he says to the blonde. She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground – breaking both her legs – and begins screaming in pain. The bartender says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."
Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.
Change my mind.
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
to be frank,
I'd have to change my name
The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout…… “Donald duck.”
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00 Gas to get there: $1.50 Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes… Riceless
Do you know what they call the security guards at Samsung?
Guardians of the Galaxy
What do you call a mermaid that hosts a radio show?
A podcaster.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?
The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign..
"The way you've taken is wrong, stop and turn back now, before it's too late!" The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a sparse finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later a loud crash is heard. One of the nuns thoughtfully says, -Sister, shall we just write: "Attention, the bridge is demolished?"
I recently bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I'm not sure what he laced them with but I was tripping all day..
Her:I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me:Well that makes two of us
I went to visit a psychic,
I knocked on her front door and she yelled “Who is it”? So I left
Two deer walks out of a gay bar…
One says to the other, "I can't believe I just blew thirty bucks in there".
Why can’t you breed a eel with and eagle?
It’s Eeleagle
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything.
Police are combing the area.
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered…
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
How does NASA organize a party?
They Planet.
A blonde called up her boyfriend and said,
“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t for the life of me figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread out all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He took her hand and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then. . .” he sighed, . . .“let’s put all of these Frosted Flakes back into the box.”
Why do native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
What do houses wear?
Address
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
I bought a knife than can cut through four loaves of bread at once
It’s a four loaf cleaver