Im not a fan of hats…
They are too "over the top."
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
They say there’s a person capable of murder in every friendship group
I suspected it was Dave, so I killed him before he could cause any harm.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
Texted my dad to figure out what we wanted to eat for dinner, and got this one
Me: "So, what do you want to do for dinner?" Him: "Eat, lol. You?"
![It usually takes longer to write the automation code too [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/z4grlcpz06d31.png)
[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.
One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American. I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold shoulder. Ving explains that his name has been passed down for generations, and Ling is furious that he would disrespect his ancestry by changing it. So then we get to the city hall and wait in line for a long time. Finally it's our turn and Ving tells me he has picked "Lee" as his American name. He steps up to the desk and starts filling out some paperwork, and the whole time Ling is scolding him about disrespecting their ancestry. Then it's time for Ving to sign his name and seal the deal, but suddenly his eyes well up with tears and he says that he can't do it. The lady at the desk says it’s ok, but Ving has to pay a small fee to cancel his request. Ling groans as she opens up her purse and starts sifting around for cash. Suddenly, out of nowhere, some Asian guy bursts through the town hall doors. "DAD!" Ling and Ving exclaim. He looked at them and cried, "Don't stop! Be Lee, Ving. Hold on to that fee, Ling!"
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
The CDC has a recommendation for telling jokes during the pandemic…
Inside jokes, only.
Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym…
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
My dad threw a cheese shredder at me and he missed
I ran away and he yelled at me: “get back here you ungrateful child”
Do you know I tell dad jokes?
He even laughs sometimes.
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
xi jinping has coronavirus
He is now called winnie the flu
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
If you need a job you should apply at Search and Rescue..
They're always looking for people.
Creating a joke is one thing. But delivering it is another.
I think my mother did a commendable job in that regard.
Why doesn’t electricity like History class?
Because it’s only interested in current events.
A monk joins a monastery…
…and he’s only allowed to say two words every ten years After the first decade, he goes to the father to say his two words Monk: “bed hard” Father: “okay, I’ll make some changes” Another decade goes by and the monk sees the father Monk: “food bad” Father: “okay, I’ll made some changes” After a third decade, the monk sees the father again Monk: “I quit” Father: “good, because all you’ve done is bitch since you got here”
My professor accused me of plagiarizing
His words, not mine.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
I saw a homeless guy living in a tyre. I did him a favour and punctured it.
Now he's living in a flat
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
![[urgent] i need a pun for my historical philosophy paper](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/no_image_card-43-400x247.png)
What is a gay banker’s favorite Christmas movie?
Homo Loan 2
What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
I hate Russian dolls. They’re so full of themselves
No text found
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
