I’m not crying, you are!
I got one of them anti bullying bracelets today
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
What does Trump call kayaks?
Fake canoes
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies. I’ll see myself to the door now
The three guys at an interview joke just posted here reminded me of another version we used to tell about 20 years ago.. is it a repost? I don’t know, probably yes, but does anyone really care ;) ?
Three guys interviewing to be a detective. The final step is with the chief inspector who says, "Ahh, so you wanna be detectives, eh? The first skill you need is perception, let's see how you guys do with that" He calls them into his office one by one. The first guy goes in and is shown a picture of a recently captured criminal. Tattooed face, large scar, he's quite recognisable. The inspector says, "Take a close look, and I want you to memorize and remember all the features that will help you identify this man in a crowd" After a minute, the man is done. The Inspector turns the picture over and says, "Well, go on, describe him to me" The man responds, "Well it wouldn't be hard to find this guy, given that he has only one ear". The inspector stares blankly, turns the picture over and says, "What sort of a moron are you? This is a side profile of the man.. don't tell me you thought… ugh, get out and stop wasting my time!" The second guy is called in and given the same challenge. After his minute he says, "Well, I couldn't really focus on much other than the fact that he has only one eye" Visibly frustrated, the inspector bellows, "What is wrong with you people, do you not know what a side profile is?! Get out, and call the last guy in!!" The last guy comes in and is given the same challenge. The inspector adds, "You know what, take 5 minutes.. and think carefully before you answer" 5 minutes later, the young man turns the picture over himself and says, "You know, I'll bet he wears contact lenses" The inspector scrunches his eyebrows and then squints at the young man in silence for a few moments. Not wanting to potentially get embarrassed, he excuses himself to go check the man's criminal profile. 2 minutes later, he steps back in. A pleased but puzzles look on his face, he says, "Well, yes.. yes he does wear contacts lenses. How could you tell?" Visibly delighted with himself, the young man beams back with a smile, "Oh, it took a while to think of it, but there's no way he could wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear"
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
I am a mean guy.
It sounds so much more macho than, "I am an average person."
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
I asked a German girl for her number and I’m still waiting for the rest of the numbers
So far all I have is 9.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife
He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” “Well,” the doctor replied, “go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.” Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off standing about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping up some chicken and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks loudly, “Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, “For the fourth fuckin time, chicken!”
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
It’s ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom…
… unless they're flashing behind you.
Why did the man refuse to throw out his recliner?
Because they go waaaaaay back.
I watched a documentary about beavers last night
It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
“Sometime it takes all the ugliness inside to look beautiful outside” – r/im14andthisisdeep
https://ift.tt/359eO6e
A little boy goes to his father and asks…
"Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat group on FaceBook. Then I set up a date via Tinder with your Mom and we met at a Starbucks, because of the free wifi. We sneaked into the rest room, where your mother agreed to do a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a VPN, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!"
Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.
Went to the doctors for a prostate exam
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't
Grand Opening of a Vietnamese/Italian Restaurant
Pho Getaboutit
I have some old dead batteries if anybody wants them.
They are free of charge.
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name…
But I called her Bluff…
The Government in Egypt has asked the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns…
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic. Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise….
My boss asked “What companies? “ I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."