I’m not even mad, that’s amazing
Now I just have beer.
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
They both never get old.
I never met herbivore.
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
I said, “You are just staggering.”
They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading. Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question. Ubisoft answered every question, but the answers were all incorrect. Ubisoft explained that they planned to fix the answers later after the test was graded. EA, answered the first question correctly, but the rest of the test sheet was blank. EA then demanded a dollar for each answer after the first, but couldn't guarantee it would be the correct answer. And Valve put their pen down after answering the 2nd question.
They can't handle the stakes.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
So far all I have is 9.
Because it’s made in China.
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
Been leaving headlines everywhere
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
It wouldn't stop ringing!
They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.” The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25…”
You could say he was bread for the job.
No text found
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
Don’t worry though, I don’t feel anything currently.
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again