I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
The times are rough
But none of them work.
Turns out he's a real dick.
The tattooed guy brags: "I have the best job, I'm a musician. Each day I have sex at least twice!" The hot blonde responds: "Well, I'm a prostitute. It's literally my job. I have one customer per hour!" Finally the pale looking guy joins in: "Still, none of you gets as much sex during your jobs as I do." After a short, irritated silence the blonde finally dares to ask: "So, what do you do?" "I'm a mortician."
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
A neigh-sayer. 😛
Use, spring water.
One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him. ‘Thump Thump’ Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa. A few seconds later, and CRASH The coffin has burst it's way through the front door knocking it off it’s hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears ‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’ The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in it's pursuit. The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. Next thing he hears is CRASH The coffin comes through the door knocking it off it’s hinges and it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming. Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming. Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin & The coffin stopped.
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?" Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger
Oh shit this isnt google
It was a cereal killer.
Is now a seasoned veteran
I got no clue, I just fly the drone
That would be admitting that 2021
It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.
He's a Cairo-practor…
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
“You’re much bigger than that.”
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
When they say no I yell,”GOD DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
They are free of charge.
The owner walks in and says, "You can't eat your own food in here!" The lawyers sigh and swap sandwiches.