I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed. Edit: My first award! Thanks!
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster
but it just made it more sluggish.
What do you get if you cross Islam and Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
What do you call 8 hobbits?
One hobbyte!
I’m fine with alchohol, cigarettes and marijuana
But coccaine is where I draw the line
Where are all the dad jokes stored?
At the dadabase.
Which part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
6 life lessons
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,… “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbour,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?” Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the administration clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.” Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 3: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,”Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.” Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, ”Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up Lesson 5: Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs … :/
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
A Newlywed Couple Waited for Marriage to Have Sex…
A couple wanted to wait to have sex until the night of their wedding. As the big day got closer the bride tells the groom she has a confession to make. "I am as flat as a board. I'm sorry, I have been using the best padded bras on the market to make people believe I actually have breasts. I hope this isn't a deal-breaker." "Oh thank God!" the groom exclaims. "I have a secret too…my penis is the size of a newborn." The couple is so happy they've aired their most embarrassing information and relieved the other is okay with it. The wedding day comes and goes and the husband and wife start to undress in front of each other for the first time. The bride takes off her dress, unfastens her bra, and as she said her chest looked like a wall with nipples, no boobs at all. Then the groom takes off his suit, drops his underwear, and reveals a monstrously large penis. So large it is almost grotesque. "I thought you said that was going to be as small as a newborn?" she asked. He answers, "well it is, it's 19 inches long and weighs 8 lbs…are you ready?"
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.
I thought we had good alchemy.
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexia association
What do you call a boat made of penises and potatoes?
A dictatorship =3
A woman gets new jeans and asks her husband if they make her look fat
Husband: Alright, I'll tell you the truth… But, you have to promise not to get angry no matter what I say Wife: I promise Husband: I'm fucking your sister
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
What did the little mermaid wear to math class
An algae- bra
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.
They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?" Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter. Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!". The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
Redditors: please be careful this holiday season
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots … I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
I was walking down main street and there was a homeless man with a signt hat said “1 dollar for dirty joke.”
Seemed like a good investment to me so I gladly handed over a dollar. Homeless man: “Alright sir whats your name? Me: “Username-valid ” Homeless man: “So username-valid, there is black rooster alright? How many legs does that chicken have” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many wings this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right, now how many eyes this black rooster got?” Me: “two?” Homeless man: “Right again, now there is this white cat walking around how many hairs are on that white cat?" Me: “I don’t know? A lot?” Homeless man: “Well username-valid, why do you know so much about black cock and not enough about white pussy.”
I slipped on a bag of vegetables.
I rest in peas.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel…
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdyvNZPJZJucPl3l_p191g5IXemEtpOfg
I recently asked out a blind woman
But she told me she's already seeing someone.
Joke
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?” – We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.