I’m not sure if it’s funny and sad or just funny. Mohammad Ali had me laughing hard by the end
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
With an itheberg.
His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me." "Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri. The Communist then turns to another friend. "Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me." "No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya. "Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day." "Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha. "Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon." His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says. "And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass." Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath. So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting: "Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."
A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you’ll last longer.
So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight" But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go under his car and pretend he's fixing something but actually having a wank. So on his way home he pulls over, crawls under his car, closes his eyes and imagines his wife. Suddenly he hears a voice, "Excuse me sir, what do you think your doing?" In shock he answers," I'm just fixing my car, the gear box was malfunctioning". The man answers " I think the handbrake is as well, your car went down the hill about five minutes ago"
Put it on my bill!!
Her: Wow! That’s impressive! Him: Thanks. Next up, Capricorns.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
I think she’s in love with me.
So I packed my stuff up and right
Because it’s past tents
I've only got myshelf to blame….
She was furious. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?” she said.
Destruction of government property.
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”
Because to construct them, you need to install windows
It’s my Heath Ledger.
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
That is not a good sign.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
And that was just the first guy
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
I just made a list of my top 10 favourite Dad jokes. The first 9 are great but the last one is an absolute cracker
1) great 2) great 3) great 4) great 5) great 6) great 7) great 8) great 9) great 10) An absolute cracker
Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious – I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!" Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant…" Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of the God HAD CUM ONTO THE CANDLES!!!"
For example, border security.
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.” My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?” To which the German boy replies, “Of course.” "How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father. “Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”
Looks like I finally did something right.
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
He’ll now been known as Penis Truck Lesbian
She always runs from the ball
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' … She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started..
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
When I was a kid, my favourite thing ever was tractors. It was my first word, my first toy, I had posters of them on my bedroom walls and I loved to draw them too. Unfortunately with age I don’t quite have the same amount of passion nowadays. This all became relevant recently as there was this house fire on my street last week. My instincts told me to enter the house to save the family inside as the Fire Service hadn’t arrived yet. I was able to break down a door and actually clear all of the smoke from the house saving everyone inside. I escorted them out to be greeted by the Fireman who had just arrived. Puzzled, they asked how on earth I was able to clear all the smoke. I simply replied “I’m an extractor fan”.
In hindsight, they shouldn’t have married that young.