I’m not sure what confused the mailman more…
the fact that I came to the door naked, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
When I noticed “HI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend…
Then I saw the next two letters…
A mother is concerned that her son isn’t making enough money on his own, so she asks what he will do for a living
And he says he won't have a real job, but he has found a legal loophole to take advantage of the sketchy business practices in his city; he discovered many of the repossession companies in his city didn't fill out the proper paperwork before taking a car away. So he would buy a new car on loan and intentionally not make the payments. When the repossession company would come, he would let them take it, and then threaten to sue them in court. He would rough himself up a little bit, and the company would settle outside of court; they would pay for the car to avoid getting a negative reputation. "That's smart son, but what makes you think you'll be successful here?" "That's easy. Repo sting for car, ma!"
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.
Hope it’s not terminal.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
Chicken walks into a bar
Bartender says: "Wrong joke, yours is across the road?"
A nun is in the bath
Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in". "who are you?" she asks nervously. "Im the blind man" he replies. "Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved. The man walks in. "Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"
My twin brother prefers to take the stairs, but I like the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
The local drug dealer in town started dressing as a Jehovah’s Witness so as not to arouse suspicion.
He was arrested when cops saw people actually letting him in.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
Why did the DJ go to the farmers’ market?
To get some fresh beets.
Why do parallel lines get on so well?
Because they’re straight up with each other.
My favorite sex position is “WOW”…
it's where I flip your MOM over
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Someone toilet papered my house last night
Now it’s worth $875,000
Why can’t you have a nose that’s 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot.
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
My friend hit me with a full bottle of Coke…
But it didn't hurt, because it was a soft drink!
My pet spider died so I went to the pet shop for a new one. They were so expensive.
Fortunately, I got one free off the web.
You’re so ugly that I’m going to have to stop drinking
just in case I start seeing two of you…
Why did the “A” run away
There was a B
What do you call fifteen rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hareline.
