I’m not very good at dad jokes, but here goes nothing
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I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital
A grape wakes up in an Australian hospital, and asks, "Did you bring me here to die?" The nurse replies, "Nah mate, we brought you here yesterday."
My wife just joined an activist group called DAM
Mothers Against Dyslexia
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
Two birds are sitting on a perch…
One asks, do you smell fish?
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
Here’s one my 5-year old made up: What does a cat wear at night?
PURRR-jamas! She'll be a pro dad joke designer in no time. #prouddad
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
I don’t get people who call it a first world problem when they can’t charge their phones
African kids can't charge their phones either.
Why is it rude to fart in church?
Because of everyone else that has to sit in your pew.
On a cold winter’s morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up now.”
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
Have you heard about the blind cyclops brothers?
Neither have eye
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
What do you call the Italian hood?
The Spaghetto.
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
I accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach
and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4.
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding
After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
What did the mute man say to the bartender?
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There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
There’s no way it’s looking at degen forums. Probably cringey wholesome ones. Time to invade
Why was Pavlov’s hair soft?
Because he conditioned it
Why did the nearsighted woman fall into a well?
Because she couldn't see that well.
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My daughter asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I told her "No, I'm going to put it up in the living room."
A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”
The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”
I got fired from my job at a bank today
Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?
A civil engineer
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
One of my favourite words in the English language is “frequently”.
I try to use it as often as possible.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.