I’m opening a new gay club called “Garage Sale”
Because one man's junk is another man's treasure!
I just came to this realization.
So I bought her a candle…
The vet says, “What seems to be the problem?” The cat says, “Meow.” The vet says, “Okay, where?”
And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.
I don't listen and something else…
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
A pouch potato!
He hates capitalism
r/dadjokes: hello 14, hello deep, I'm dad
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter. The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own… so does she."
I've only got my shelf to blame.
Two old men are sitting poolside when the first one asks, “Have you read Marx?” The other one replies…
“Yes, I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
He wanted to put his money where his mouth is
now it's a disapointsettia.
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
Me: Floors are beneath me.
He tractor down.
Teller: Bank Robber: I SAID WHERE'S THE SAFE? Teller: Bank Robber: ANSWER ME! Penn: He always does this
But math puns make me number.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
But none of them work.
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
It’s a small world.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
I was delighted.
i’m new to this subreddit 🏃🏽♀️
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.