I’m out of TP
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
Top 3 invisible things
1) 2) 3)
What do blind people do when they get sick?
No, seriously. It's not like they can go see a doctor
Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…
He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood. So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees. So Tim's fucking away while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn't even come close to climaxing. Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, "I think I know what's wrong. Maybe we should switch just once." Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees. Jake climbs on and starts fucking Tim's girl while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she's having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing, squirting orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away. Tim grins, triumphantly. "You see, Jake!" he says. "Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!"
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
If they call sex with three people a threesome and sex with four people a foursome…
then I see why they call you handsome!
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19
Virus has been quarantined for 14 days
What’s the difference between a politician and a serial killer?
The serial killer might listen if you plead with them
Let me summarize 2018 in four words for you:
Two thousand and eighteen.
Did you hear about the pancake?
One day he got so angry, he just flipped.
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
Two lesbians go on a date, who pays for it?
The guys that think they're on a double date
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
My girlfriend keeps accusing me of being a cheater
She's starting to sound like my wife
I saw a sign outside the gym that said “OPEN 24/7”
I thought, "How useless is that? July is ages away."
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Why did the cargo ship carrying vegetables sink?
It had too many leeks.
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts
Why was the poker player’s closet messy?
Because he never wanted to fold
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?
The slow swimmer
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
what is the sound of an ambulance in an anime?
weebo weebo
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
I thought that was a really odd way to start a conversation with me.
Why did the super villain cross the road?
To get to the other sidekick.
I don’t usually tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.
Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time…
That was a pain in the ass.