I’m out of TP
In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?” She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.” Surprised, Guido reached for her and the fucking resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. It finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?” Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.” Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You finish?? Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear… “No, I Norwegian.”
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Three women are sitting at a bar arguing over who has the biggest vagina.
The first girl says, ‘My boyfriend can fit a whole fist up there.’ The second girl says, ‘Ha, my boyfriend can fit two fists and a foot.’ The third girl just smiles as she slides down the bar stool.
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
My wife told me that I have a dad bod
I disagree. I clearly have a father figure
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey…
But then I turned myself around.
Flat earthers have nothing to fear
Except sphere itself.
What do you add to make a car go faster?
No text found
Today I saw two blind people fighting…
I shouted "I'm supporting the one with the knife" they both ran away..
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
Masturbation is a touchy subject…
…whereas oral sex is a matter of taste.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
My son told me that he didn’t need any help to put on his tie.
Fine. Suit yourself
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.
A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar
She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less." The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
I caught my husband coming to a brothel and I’m not sure what to do now.
On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.
My wife really hates that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed my things and right.
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
The teacher teaches me about diffusion ten minutes later
Teacher: Oh my lord why are you sitting on the text books Me: I’m learning by diffusion
When my friend said I knew nothing about Asia..
…I ran out of there like a bull in a japan shop.
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
