I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
How can you tell a chemist from a plumber without seeing them?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
Last weekend I went to see my gf’s soccer match and she did this awesome save…
…She's definitely a keeper! EDIT: This is the first joke I make up myself as a non-native speaker. I'm proud.
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
Why do people have their whisky neat instead of on the rocks?
Because it's noice.
Trump tried to kill himself and failed
it was a fake noose
I bumped my elbow digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
“Won’t you kiss me, doctor”, asks a beautiful woman.
"No, it would be against my code of ethics," says the doctor. "Please, just one kiss," begs the woman. "It's completely out of question," he goes on. "I shouldn't even really be having sex with you."
My dad once tried making coffee. When he tasted it he said “ahh, like making love in a canoe.”
I asked if it was that good, his smile faded and he looked me dead in the eye as he said no, its fucking close to water. He poured it down the drain without losing focus and walked out of the kitchen
Where do Muslim llamas come from?
Alpacastan! …I'm not sorry.
Handjobs [nsfw]
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu: "Cheeseburger: $5 Fries: $3 Handjobs: $10." He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful blonde working behind the counter. "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" he asks, handing her ten dollars. "Yes, I am," she replies seductively. "Well, wash your hands, I want two cheeseburgers."
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
I bought a dog from a Blacksmith the other day…
I only had him 3 hours and he made a bolt for the door.
I once thanked a French man to death…
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
I went to this party dressed as a corpse with my wife. It was a terrible party.
"Jesus," said my wife. "Look alive, will you!"
One day left.
My father was ill and the doctor said he had only one day left to live. I was truly sad and was walking outside when I saw a wishing well. Taking my chances I threw in a quarter and wished his life would be extended. A r/jokes mod genie appeared out of the well and said " I hear your wish my son, and for everyday there is a new, fresh joke posted on r/jokes, your father will be granted another full week of life." His funeral is this Saturday.
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
So sick of double standards these days.
When a dog licks his balls in public, nobody says anything. But when I do it, people yell "what are you doing to your dog, you sick fuck?"
A woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap.
"Because he used to live in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
My infant son crapped his pants while I was voting today.
He was just fulfilling his civic doodie.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.
A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim. Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognize me by my face."
It all
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Why did seven eat nine?
Because you should have three square meals a day!
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’ve been having an affair with your wife for a while now.”
