I’m pretty bad at building fences
Oops, wrong place for this post.
I thought I would Treat myself.
Because they make up literally everything.
I didnt want to be caught money laundering
He hated the juice.
It’s a fizzician! I’ll see myself out
No nut November
His pants are open in the front, and there’s a steering wheel inside them. The bartender looks at him. “Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?” “Arrrrgh,” replies the pirate. “It’s drivin’ me nuts.”
She meets a farmer and challenges him: "If I can guess your profession, I get your dog for free." The farmer agrees. The blonde declares that he is a farmer, and wins the bet. As she's stuffing the animal into the trunk of her Fiat, the farmer says: "if I can guess your real hair color, can I get my pig back?"
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
But the reception was amazing.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?" "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
She said it's in case she has to draw blood.
Because he had no body to go with.
“I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Put in my too-weak notice.
First thing he did when I got him home was make a bolt for the door.
They use paws!
Because if they traveled over the bay, they’d be bagels
But her aim is steadily improving.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. "I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity." "But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to an elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors open and she finds himself in the middle of a lush country house garden. Standing in front of it her dad…and thousands of other Conservatives who had helped her out over the years……. The whole of the "Right" was there. Everyone laughing…happy…casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and plebs". They play a friendly game of croquet and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to May with a frosty drink, "Have a Marguerita and relax, Theresa!" "Uh, I can't drink any more, I’m watching my weight" says May, dejectedly. "This is Hell, Theresa: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" May takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks. kind of like an Oxford undergrad. They are having such a great time that, before she realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as May steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, she is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours May is made to chill with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or mean joke among them; no fancy country seats and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor, she doesn't see anybody she knows, and she isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to May, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' stuff. "Whoa," she says uncomfortably to herself, "Margaret never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity." With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, May reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this – I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all – but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell. The doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste…kind of like Middlesborough. She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to May and puts an arm around her shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers a shocked May, "Yesterday I was here and there was a country house and we ate lobster and caviar….drank cocktails. We lounged around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!" The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, “You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?”
The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."
micro soft porn
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
A naive, beautiful, conservatively dressed young girl is walking along the street in the countryside. A man, wearing sunglasses and driving a sport car stops by: "do you need a lift?" She's intimidated by the sport car and the confident demeanour of this man, but she accepts, and they start getting to know each other. "it's very nice that you pick me up in such a car. it's a long way home from here" "it's a pleasure babe". "what do you do?" she asks "I'm a DJ and speaker at the radio" he answers. She's delighted: "oh really? It's so cool. I always listen to the radio. Do you also have those show with song requests for birthdays?" "yes, I do those kind of shows, we receive song requests for birthdays. Have you ever tried?" Embarrassing silence follows. Somethings is in her head, and she gains courage to say it: "well you see… I always wanted to call and request a song, but I heard it's always hard to get a place, there's a lot of people requesting… and I sort of don't know how this kind of things work, maybe I have to speak live and then don't know what to say. But I always wanted to do it… today is also my little sister's birthday…" "well, babe, we could change this, don't you think? She'd be very happy, and you too" wink wink He starts to sort of take a long route, apparently driving where no one can see, his intentions are clear. "where are we going?" "you see, babe, you could do something for me, and maybe I could get you a fast lane to do what you want for your sister's birthday…" She starts getting it, but she is not sure, the situation is so intimidating, but also exciting, and she sort of want to do it – for her dear sister. He parks the car in the middle of nowhere, stops the engine, and starts unzipping his jeans. She is scared, doesn't know what to do, it's all so new. "what worries you, babe?" "Well you see I've never done this sort of things, I'm embarrassed, I'm just a girl from the countryside, I… I don't really know if…" He knows his way in reassuring a scared woman: "don't worry babe, you'll be fine, there's nothing you can do wrong, just be yourself. Think of your sister. you'll make her day" He proceeds to take his genitals out. She freaks out internally, but thinks to herself "whatever, I'll do it for her". She looks into his eyes, he looks into her eyes, reassuring and firm. She starts to get her mouth close to his penis. She opens her mouth: "Hello, I want to dedicate the next song to my sister for her birthday, it's a very special day and I love her with all my heart and …"
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.