IM QUAKING OVER THIS FUNNY LEMON 😂😂😂😂
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “What? A miracle?!”
I whispered, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
Every time I get a new girlfriend, I measure how far she can open her legs
I keep all the results on a spreadsheet
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
Jim walked into a bar……
Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender ”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat, I want everyone to eat!” The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and everyone else, their meals Just as everybody finishes their food, Jim again yells ”Give me a bottle of Champagne and give everybody else a bottle of Johnny Walker Black, cause when I drink, I want everybody to drink! Everyone is elated and cheers for Jim When Jim is done with his drink, he yells, yet again "Bring everybody their bill, because when I pay mine, I want everyone else to pay theirs '
My son said that his teacher asked what he wanted to be when he grew up. I asked what he picked.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
I like to disassociate myself from the word ‘Xenophobia’
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
When I was a single man, I had a lot of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly leave the house.
My dad told me this one.
"All this LGBTQ shit is getting out of control. It wasn't like this when I was a little girl."
I just learned the medical name for Viagra.
Mycoxaflopin
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
A pirate goes to the doctor and say, “I have moles on me back aaarrrghh”
The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign" Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
An advice was given to a depressed car
It was: you have no more energy to live, you just need to fuel more yourself.
Why fight over subsbtance when you can instead weaponize symbolic cultural grievances?
https://ift.tt/33wJVXH
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity
If someone stole a Tesla…
Would it become an Edison?
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store… While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars… As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that" Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing" So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?" The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!" Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!" The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too… The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?" Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
A teacher gave her class
of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' 'Very good,' said the teacher. Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.' Johnny, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Auntie Barbara. Auntie Barbara was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay the fuck away from Auntie Barbara when she's had a Drink
I just rolled a joint for the first time in my life.
The doctor says it’ll be a few weeks before I can use my ankle again.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
Geology rocks but Geography is where its at.
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We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
My sister bet me $15 that i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as i drove pasta.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.