I’m reading a book about anti gravity
I can't put it down
I was telling my architect friends how much I love M.C. Escher.
They all gave me some weird stairs.
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
While most puns make me feel numb…
…Math puns make me feel number.
What did the Atheist say upon dying and meeting God?
Well I’ll be damned.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Taking things literally
is stealing.
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Who decided to call them “murder hornets”
and not “buzzkills”?
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care
So china is making phones without Google apps now
Guess it was always my way or the huawei i'm so sorry, I tried
Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. Six months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby…
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh, no. Not my brother, he is an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Not exactly my choice, but that isn't so bad. What did he name the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Tarzan spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.
One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child: "Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your rag and this thing you see between my legs is a washing machine… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine." The next 5 evenings Tarzan has been washing his rag uncontrollably. When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him: "Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break." You need to wash it every three to four days. Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on the machine. One day Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?" Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!" The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!" The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me." She then collapses and dies from polio.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Where did the two hamburgers go to dance?
The meatball
The doctor looked at my test results and said, “Sir, you’ve got a very rare disease.” I said, “How rare?”
He said, “You pick the name.”
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
The NFL has this obscure rule where players aren’t allowed to own pet ducks.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
My wife gave birth to a baby boy in the car on the way to the hospital.
I named him Carson.
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
Yo Mama so fat
I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
Bows are really good weapons
Their only drawback is the string.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says…
5 beers please
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean