I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
A beautiful woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at the woman and all of his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed. After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so, he asked her, 'Do you know what I am doing?' 'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.' 'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. 'Do you know what I am doing now?' he asked. 'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.' 'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient, and started having sexual-intercourse with her. He asked, 'Do you know what I am doing now?' 'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes, which is why I came to see you in the first place.'
I always thought it would be difficult to have erectile dysfunction.
But it can't be that hard.
Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom
He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She immediately says, 'You better go tell Johnny everything is OK, the shit he just saw could scar him for life". Dad rolls his eyes and begrudgingly agrees. Pulls on his robe and heads for Johnny's room only to find it's empty. He then heads for the TV room but when he passes the guest room, he notices the door is ajar, noises coming from inside. He opens the door to look in and sees Granny on her hands and knees, little Johnny fucking her from behind. Dad screams. Johnny turns around looks at him and says "Yeah, not so funny when it's your mom huh?"
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he could just sip on a soda.
Then he'd have a full orca straw.
An Irishman and his son went to the zoo…
A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age” The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times. “Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!” The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun… A moment later the elephant farts and stomps twice… “Bajaysus that’s right” said the father, “I am farty two!”
Kid: Dad, let me be frank…. and if you say, “Hi Frank, I’m Dad”, I’m gonna be super pissed.
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
What was Icarus’s favorite food?
Hot wings!
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
What did the momma cow say to the baby cow
its pasture bed time
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Can a Ninja throw Stars?
Shur-he-kan
I just bought a border collie.
The one I already had wasn't bored enough.
So long boiling water, you will be mist
No text found
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
A guy sits on a plane and realizes he’s sitting beside The Pope.
He’s too intimidated to say anything but after awhile The Pope taps him on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me my son, but I’m doing a crossword puzzle and I’m stuck. The clue is ‘a 4 letter word that you can call a woman’ and it ends with U-N-T.” The man sits for a minute, stumped until he exclaims, “Aha! I got it!! It’s aunt. A-U-N-T!” The Pope smiles and claps his hands. “Wonderful!! That must be it!! Thank you! One more thing my son, would you happen to have an eraser?”
I have to tell my girlfriend that I don’t like the fetish she’s into…
But first I need to get some shit off my chest.
