I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
I went to a gender reveal party.
It wasn't quite what I thought it would be. My host told me to put my pants back on and get the hell out of there.
I called Serena Williams to interview her for a magazine article and asked, “So Serena, What’s your favorite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus. Me: I’m sorry Venus. Could you put Serena on the phone?
Last night I was banging a vegan, who seemed kinda familiar…
Then it dawned on me, I've been in herbivore.
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
What do french people smoke?
Oui'd.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
Hope we can still get it on
Hope we can still get it on
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
I used to know a guy who did circumcision [NSFW]
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers
The Times are rough
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
People think I’m addicted to drinking brake fluid
I always say, “I can stop whenever I want.”
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
Did you hear about the burglary at the detergent factory?
The thief made a clean getaway
Kung Fu student asks his teacher
"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated. And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?" "Yes, my master, I have." "And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?" "Yes, my master, I have witnessed it." "And the moon… when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?" "Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon." "That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg sighted
I don’t always tell dad jokes…
But when I do, he laughs.
[Meta] Puns vs Jokes
Does anyone feel a little bothered by the blurring line between puns and jokes? I was driven away from r/jokes because it was essentially a subreddit of meta-reddit-puns, clever at first, but they quickly became predictable in the sense that the punchlines are essentially just play-on-words. Is the general consensus here that the current state of the subreddit is fine? Do we need improvements? What are your thoughts on this matter?
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven.
"In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's."
99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. You take one down, patch it around…
129 bugs in the code.
Every morning I get hit by the same bike
It's a vicious cycle…
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
My son said I’m not funny
"That's right," I answered. "I'm Dad."