I’m sad
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Light green
I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night
she was a neck-romancer
I’ve got a memory of an elephant.
I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…
"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?
Do you see what I see?
I went to the doctor…
I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What disinfectant do geologists use?
Clo-rocks
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe
I said its Narnia buisness
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing
And it’s discussing fucking.
I brought my daughter out for her first drink…
While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!
What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.
Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…
They’re making all the headlines…
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…
Now I have to wait all day to see it again):
I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…
I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.
What type of shoes do spies wear?
Sneakers
Knock knock, who’s there?
Smelmop Smelmop Who?
Sales pitch
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…
….First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
The just went through a grueling 31 day March.
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?
He was afraid of capitalism.
I’ll let you have this roof for free
It's on the house
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help
But I stand corrected.
My wife and I share a sense of humour
We have to. She doesn't have one.
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
Airline food is disgusting
It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food
