I’m sad

https://ift.tt/3bjWlWi

devopsjokeslinuxprogrammingserversresysadmintechwindows

What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?

Light green

I keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia.

Which is the one about being in a closet?

I sEe WhAt YoU dId ThErE

I sEe WhAt YoU dId ThErE

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code. 

i have a hicky from my date with a wizard last night

she was a neck-romancer

Man this meme sucks

Man this meme sucks

😂😂😂

😂😂😂

OverENGINEered

OverENGINEered

I’ve got a memory of an elephant.

I remember when I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.

When you do a max finding algorithm

When you do a max finding algorithm

https://ift.tt/2Da5J03

PHONES BAD, TECHNOLOGY BAD

PHONES BAD, TECHNOLOGY BAD

https://ift.tt/35wO2ER

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

The reason why world never says hello back!!

The reason why world never says hello back!!

https://ift.tt/2MkCM7d

A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot…

"Wow, there's so many buttons and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."

Ah quarantine. Thank you for the sad laugh.

Ah quarantine. Thank you for the sad laugh.

https://ift.tt/2UJQuVc

Me V Friend

Me V Friend

I wonder what this was originally parodying HMMMM

I wonder what this was originally parodying HMMMM

What Christmas song do they sing in the psychiatric hospital?

Do you see what I see?

I went to the doctor…

I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette. I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”

Theres something about juxtaposition…

Theres something about juxtaposition…

https://ift.tt/2xEE20a

How come the stadium got hot after the game?

Because all of the fans left.

Sooo cute!

Sooo cute!

Probably the best funeral services ad..

Probably the best funeral services ad..

https://ift.tt/2SZFMct

Some college student I’m friends with on fb has the mentality of a boomer

Some college student I’m friends with on fb has the mentality of a boomer

https://ift.tt/371L2Rz

I hope they have one with the same name as me, like those Coca Cola bottles.

I hope they have one with the same name as me, like those Coca Cola bottles.

https://ift.tt/35c5cYZ

Truly only the best people

Truly only the best people

https://ift.tt/371t5CK

My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas

The police verdict? Hummuscide.

What disinfectant do geologists use?

Clo-rocks

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way. Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does. Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth. Genie: You son of a ……..

Up Periscope!

Up Periscope!

https://ift.tt/3aPFyLM

Courtesy of my 7 year old : What do you call a cow who is cleaning the yard?

A Lawn-moo-er…

One day and everyone forgot

One day and everyone forgot

https://ift.tt/2JoxCVh

My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe

I said its Narnia buisness

Good boy comes with 2 subwoofers

Good boy comes with 2 subwoofers

TAX (GOLF) PLAYER

TAX (GOLF) PLAYER

https://ift.tt/2sBj53u

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooooom!

Who needs passwords when you have security questions?

Who needs passwords when you have security questions?

https://ift.tt/2tAGBIP

Multicore programming be like

Multicore programming be like

https://ift.tt/3e00RvQ

Trump supporters never cease to amaze me

Trump supporters never cease to amaze me

https://ift.tt/3fOTKrc

System.out.println(“cry”)

System.out.println(“cry”)

https://ift.tt/2Ci8uw5

america is jonestown and “open the economy” is the kool aid

america is jonestown and “open the economy” is the kool aid

https://ift.tt/2yrld0K

People who call sex hotlines literally only want one thing

And it’s discussing fucking.

THAT’S MY STREET

THAT’S MY STREET

Getting memes from r/memes is basically cheating at this point

Getting memes from r/memes is basically cheating at this point

Hmmmm.

Hmmmm.

https://ift.tt/2Vciyl3

Which ship is it? The pink one.

Which ship is it? The pink one.

you weren’t supposed to do that

you weren’t supposed to do that

I brought my daughter out for her first drink…

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink. Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house. I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe she'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope! In desperation, I had her try that 25 year old Glenfiddich. The bar's finest scotch. She wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it! By the time I realized she just didn't like to drink, I was so shit-faced I could hardly push her stroller back home!

Yea, because only redditers can find things funny

Yea, because only redditers can find things funny

Found on r/memes completely unnecessary

Found on r/memes completely unnecessary

What’s the difference between an ISIS outpost and an Iraqi preschool?

I have no idea, I just fly the drone.

[Nsfw] My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves you and never comes back.

Full dumbass

Full dumbass

Pinterest has quite a lot of these….

Pinterest has quite a lot of these….

https://ift.tt/2X9HGYm

Someone « crying help » because of the « world funniest joke »

Someone « crying help » because of the « world funniest joke »

Corduroy pillowcases are back in the news…

They’re making all the headlines…

r/memes everybody

r/memes everybody

This is not a cry for help

This is not a cry for help

https://ift.tt/2A2D0fK

Thanks Republicans!

Thanks Republicans!

https://ift.tt/36j5vRp

My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..

..until the police came and removed me from the library.

Teacher: I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.

Woman: And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

Just like it’s coder.

Just like it’s coder.

https://ift.tt/2VA7bkX

Phones = Bad

Phones = Bad

https://ift.tt/34x6ZG3

Corporations are People

Corporations are People

https://ift.tt/39HBbAJ

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

I can’t find a joke I read here yesterday…

Now I have to wait all day to see it again):

I work in a kitchen in a local restaurant, today I tried to start a food-fight with the other chef…

I threw some spaghetti her way, but it went right pasta.

What type of shoes do spies wear?

Sneakers

If snapchat existed in ww2 😂😂😂

If snapchat existed in ww2 😂😂😂

Knock knock, who’s there?

Smelmop Smelmop Who?

It hurt to have to download this, but sometimes we got to take one for the team. Happy new year, boomers!

It hurt to have to download this, but sometimes we got to take one for the team. Happy new year, boomers!

https://ift.tt/39v1343

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

https://ift.tt/34oPgjU

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000." "If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000." "Now," Bubba concluded, "which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"

Memes on google are another story

Memes on google are another story

Looks like we’re left with Celsius I guess.

Looks like we’re left with Celsius I guess.

https://ift.tt/2Sg7Erl

Bloody red!

Bloody red!

I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..

​ IT WAS SIR EEL

Sweats in WWIII

Sweats in WWIII

https://ift.tt/35CTMvI

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom…

….First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?

The just went through a grueling 31 day March.

Why did Stalin only write in lowercase?

He was afraid of capitalism.

I’ll let you have this roof for free

It's on the house

GeT FuCkEd 100

GeT FuCkEd 100

I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help

But I stand corrected.

My school is anime and programing friendly

My school is anime and programing friendly

https://ift.tt/2IZwCXZ

Seriously. FFS. Someone please explain the ratio.

Seriously. FFS. Someone please explain the ratio.

https://ift.tt/37Yu9rb

What do you get when you spell “man” backward ?

Flashbacks

No wait

No wait

https://ift.tt/2QvXrYn

My wife and I share a sense of humour

We have to. She doesn't have one.

I can only imagine.

I can only imagine.

If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN

You will get them VERY ANGRY

Totally

Totally

Hold… hold… hold…

Hold… hold… hold…

https://ift.tt/2setcM3

Revert wars

Revert wars

https://ift.tt/35trLb1

My first post here… Hope u like it

My first post here… Hope u like it

https://ift.tt/2zE27F5

Airline food is disgusting

It just isn’t on the same level as homemade and restaurant food

Is that Bea Arthur?

Is that Bea Arthur?

https://ift.tt/38ugqI8

Roflmao…she’s “your world” huh? I gotta ex who fits the….bill. 💯

Roflmao…she’s “your world” huh? I gotta ex who fits the….bill. 💯

https://ift.tt/2qgfWpf

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